I
was wheeled out of the ICU. I could
hardly see and there were tubes connected into my mouth and an irritating
catheter. Thankfully some one just
removed the one that bled me to horror from my nose and I felt finally
breathing. I don’t remember the last 8
hours of my life and was terribly weak.
I could see curious and pained faces of people around me. I felt like lifting my hand and asking some
one to hold it as a comfort. But I don’t
know these people around me or probably I am not able to remember who they are.
‘Paru, Paru,
Can you hear me?’ Some new voice
was shouting at me. I could see him
bending close and looking at my face. I
was in deep pain. My body seems to be
floating in the sea. There are voices all around. I could hear some body crying and some one
screaming. I closed my eyes
tightly. The man who was shouting my
name pinched my arm. I opened my eyes in
anger. But could do nothing and closed
them again, this time with tears flowing silently from my closed eyes. I did not dare to open them again for a
while. I slowly slipped into a deep
sleep.
The
next morning some one woke me up. I
slowly opened my eyes and saw out of the window. The day is at its peak. It must be already noon. I could see my friend sitting next to me,
holding my hand in hers. ‘ Paru, how are
you feeling now?’…she asked. I could
just nod my head indicating that I am ok.
My husband came to my side and started to pamper my forehead and he
looked very distressed. I was trying to
recollect what happened to me and why am I in the place where I am.
After
some time, a nurse carrying medicines and injections came to my side. I understood that I was just out of the
emergency revivification. I quietly
obeyed her as she instructed me to raise my arms and then show my hands for
blood samples and all that. I could not
muster courage to speak as there were tubes still connected to my mouth.
But
my thoughts started to rewind to that Sunday evening that caused havoc and
turbulence in my life.
The
relationships mostly strain due to issues related to finances and justice
denied over property dealings. My case
was not immune to this common phenomenon.
The biggest tragedy is that I am neither a party to it nor a beneficiary
for the same. I have been fighting for
ages for the benefit of my extended family.
People instigated me to fight for it.
My husband or my children never provoked me to do so, but some thing
inside me took the slightest external triggers that pushed me out of my own
self when ever this issue rose in the past.
This situation is no different.
When it happens, the usual person in me is lost.
It
is very easy to go back a decade without any discomfort of doing so. The haunting memories and struggles of the
initial days fail to disappear. The
moments of happiness that was buried in entangles of reality pushed me to a
sense of loss and hap hazardous thoughts.
These thoughts are not of mine.
They are created and pushed on me by someone who could not do things by
themselves. I was victimized many times
in the past being an emotional human being I am. I always felt that it is my duty to fight for
justice and this is the exact feeling that pushed me to situations that further
let me drain emotionally.
After
several hours of discussion and negotiations, there arrived a no common
understanding between the people who are important to me in life. What I actually failed to understand then was
that no one is important to you than your own self. If your own self is not in
existence, then every thing materialistic around you is of no matter to
you. It all becomes irrelevant and useless. If you fail to understand and celebrate the
life as it is, then there is no meaning on how much ever you try to make it
when you are normal. The actual
personality is seen only when the circumstances are not in favor of you. This is the exact lesson that I failed to
realize before I took that drastic step to end my life. Yes, I was foolish. It needed lot of courage
to take that step that could have wiped me from existence. Yet, when I took that decision, I did not
understand any of these. I was just not
myself.
That
evening, when things were not going in our favor, I behaved like an
eccentric. I pushed people; I started to
throw things around and was shouting in frustration. I remember being calm and listening to the
larger part of the discussion. But as
people started to behave in a sarcastic way and mocking at my self esteem, I
could not tolerate any more. The closest
of people in life behaved with high levels of selfishness and greed. Probably, this pushed me to feel jealous and
become intolerant. Anger knew no
bounds. I was angry at myself for having
pushed to this situation. I was
uncontrollable and wanted an exit from that place. But something strongly made me sit there and
watch people enjoying my different me.
After
an hour, a sense of loss filled my head.
I remember stopping to think- forget it being positive or negative
thoughts. There was nothing. What was
rushing in my head was a strong sense of rage and atrocity. This dancing of anger made me slap an elderly
person. For a minute the entire room
went in silence. In a split second, I
realized what I did. I did not hesitate
to apologize immediately. However, this
provoked a volcanic anger in everyone around.
Suddenly I became an abuser from being a victim. I was looked upon as the worst person besides
the bad people I was fighting against.
The actual I died in that minute.
What I did is wrong and it didn’t take me long to get that understanding. No amount of justification will compensate
for what I did. Years of suppressed
agony, repeated victimization and continuous raw abuse in all forms that never
showed up in face to others suddenly took over my conscience, consciousness and
reality.
There
is no point in defending and I felt deserted in a situation that I could have
fused it before it exploded by just leaving that damn place where I was not
comfortable from the beginning. I
listened to external influences than listening to my inner self and my genuine
thinking. That is where I went
wrong. The loss is not just the
relations around, but my goodness. The
cost I paid for the day is huge. Even if
others forgive me, I could not forgive myself and the repentances were so
strong that I decided to end my life.
Instead of clearing the darkest cloud, I pushed myself further into a
thunder storm. This time abusing my own
body beyond what it can take. I can
blame no one other than myself. Where
did the conscious and most respected Paru disappear in that moment? Where my original soft self went
hiding? What happened to my respect for
elders and gratitude for those who made my life what it is? Was it not the worst of situations that
made me strong in the past? Is it not
the toughest of circumstances that made me handle any kind of crisis all these
years? How could I change now? It this a change in me? or another hidden personality that is unable
to shed away from my body and mind. Am I
deceiving myself as a good person, when the actual inner self is a most jealous
and annoyed person?
‘Paru,
Paru…..what are you doing?’ It’s time
for office. I suddenly got up from my
chair and looked at the wall clock that was fasting ticking away as my husband
shouted at me as he was searching for his car keys. I could hear him calling me from the hall, ‘
Paru, what happened to you? Sleeping in
the morning, after sending children to school?.
Are you alright or do you need to see the doctor?
I
contained myself quickly. On My
Goodness! What a fanatic dream! That too early in the morning dozing off in
chair after finishing cooking and packing children off to school!
“Wait!-
I replied to my husband. ‘Do not
leave, I will be ready in 10 minutes and you can drop me on the way’. He came near me and gave a hug and said his
usual silent one word- ok. . That OK always had hundred meanings. A confirmation that he is there for me at all
times. A reassurance, that I am a happy
wife as well as a caring mother. Support
system that always makes me manages things both at home and work.
I
acted fast and quickly rushed to the car, with a heavy sigh of relief that it
was just a dream- a bad dream!. ‘Paru- Relax’ I heard my man whispering into
my ears as I buckled up in the car and leaned on his shoulders. This time I don’t mind falling asleep!
