Microaggressions - How it impacts our Work culture and thought process and perspectives ?

Very recently I attended a session on microaggressions and that’s when I realized that I have been facing this all my life …nothing but triggers that challenge our emotional balance. 

It is time that we

Feel empowered to identify and challenge microaggressions to improve our culture

Identify your own unconscious bias

Be empowered to help shape the culture you want

 Microaggressions in the workplace

Microaggressions are everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to people based solely upon being members of a marginalized group

Bias in Actions & Words

 Some Shared Experiences

“I don’t plan to have any children because My husband and I are very ambitious”

My female manager, when I was first pregnant

“You are the only female member of the team. Please take charge of all birthday celebrations of the team members since you would manage it so much better!”

One of my female managers

“Your husband is a banker – so I need to allocate more increments to those who need to manage in one salary.”

My first direct manager (Male)

“I thought being a female at least you would not be so aggressive and pushy about asking for salary increases”

One of my female managers in AsiaImpact matters more than intent:

How do Microaggressions impact team members

Statements couched as compliments or harmless comments. The recipients may initially feel that they are not entitled to an emotional reaction and may have the following thought process….

•       Did I interpret that correctly?

•       Did she say what I think she said?

•       What did he mean by that?

•       Should I say something?

•       Saying something may make it worse.

•       They’ll probably think I’m overreacting.

•       Speaking up is going to hurt more than it helps

Impact matters more than intent:

•       Anxiety

•       Depression

•       Sleep difficulties

•       Diminished confidence

•       Helplessness

•       Loss of drive

•       Internal dilemma

What are the potential impacts of unchecked  micro aggressions on an organization’s culture?

Cultural effects:

•       Bad behaviors get normalized - specially when others observe and do not see any checks

•       It makes new or introverted people to clam up and not speak out  - which could translate to hiding bigger leadership behavioral aggression being unchecked

•       Toxic culture in teams, lack of collaboration and trust

•       People hesitate to bring their authentic self to work

Negative tangible outcomes impacting bottom line:

•       Low Engagement Rate

•       Low Productivity

•       Low Performance

•       Low morale

•       Loss of good talent

•       Bad reputation as a place to work

What if you are the Microaggressor?

Some positive approaches

•       Do Make the other person feel heard and follow their lead in the conversation.

•       Offer a genuine apology that acknowledges the impact and harm your comment caused.

•       Keep striving to be better. It requires grace, humility, and commitment.

Some unproductive approaches

•       Fall prey to the fundamental attribution error. You can still be a good, well-intentioned person who said something offensive.

•       Make the conversation about you. Instead, express gratitude for your colleague’s trust and belief that you’re capable of evolving.

•       Overdo your apology by laying on your privileged guilt. Your apology should be sincere.

Ask yourself -

•       What was the Impact of My statement ?

•       What was my intention when making this statement ?

How to Respond to a Microaggression

Three Approaches:

1. Let it go. This can often be the easiest solution but comes with an emotional tax, of not speaking up for yourself, and others, and it reinforces the behavior is OK.

2. Respond immediately. This approach addresses the situation but can be risky, impacting how you are seen, and impacting others and the overall culture.

3. Respond Later. Sleep on it. Get perspective. Strategically respond. Create a tempered approach, privately. Log it with HR and others, as well as directly to the person.

How?

•        Discern – how important is this? To you? Your feelings & others? How do you want to be perceived?

•       Disarm – prepare them to be uncomfortable for the discussion.

•       Defy–  Challenge them to explain exactly what they meant vs your interpreation.

•       Decide–  Your feelings, your reaction are yours to decide.

 

Reference Material:

•       Harvard Business Review – further reading: https://hbr.org/2020/07/when-and-how-to-respond-to-microaggressions

•       IBM Institute for Business Value & Session on Microaggression

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 13- Every Day Inspirations - The Story of a Care-Giver

She kept looking at the sky.  I could imagine what my wife would be going through, the sort of the day she was having and her mood.   

Face is in the index of mind.  Here, the mind is feeble and not listening.   Rain, Shine and drain, all happens in the same day.  Like a wild boar in the forest, like a hurt caterpillar curled up to rescue, or just like a peacock dancing in the rain.   She could portray everything in one single day and still work with her daily routine.  To be her caregiver was not only tiring but also confusing. 

As I pushed her in the wheel chair to the hospital, this time, I know she was suffering from mixed episode, severe mental condition with moods swinging ferociously with mania, anger, depression and acute agitation, kind of loss and total disconnect.  Her doctor was very kind and he had the patience to help me understand her medicines and also keep them away and give her as per the prescriptions time to time.  Any lapse on my part to do this, will put me at the havoc of running with her to recuperation center trying to revive her back to life.  How can I forget that one afternoon she pushed me into that state of helplessness?   Medicines and treatment that made her get annoyed and more restless.  But we had no choice but to listen to our doctor.  Patience.  Perseverance.  I know my inner spiritual strength is helping me as her care taker.

Her mental pain created a mess causing disturbing episodes of anger and argument with my parents and family.  Not everyone can understand her illness which is driving her and cannot endure what I do.  I just stay calm for I know that arguments or justification will only lead her to get agitated  and in a mood.  There are times, when I just give up being a peacemaker.  I feel like giving her a slap to make her shut up.  I want to kick her out of our house.  I am also a human and there are times that I just lose my patience.  But I still endure. 

She strives to orchestrate activities that keep her busy.  She seems to be doing best in everything.  Suddenly she gets lost.  She gets tired.  She shouts for a break.  I silently wish I could say no to her, when she initiates hundred things at a time, triggering another episode of pain, to herself!

I was getting drained, with stress and worry, striving to look after my child, attend my job without losing it and maintain my sanity in the process.   A plethora of moments in the treatment, that cause a deep sense of anxiety.  Will she ever recover?   She was unwell and often required hospitalization for physical illness just because her mind did not give in the immunity that the body requires.  The longer the hospitalization episodes, the wheels of our apple cart seems to be coming off.

Being mentally ill, she often opened the can of worms without even realizing it.  Every past hurt, difficulties with parents and parents-in-laws, past relationships, insecurities, regrets, would often surface during counseling.  Instances of abuse in which she got locked away, disappointments and fear had to be slowly decoded and put back in order for her to move on.  

 

Listening to her favorite classical music, reading her favorite fiction, and creating awesome network of friends and taking steps of recovery at work and focusing on her childhood dream were happy indicators as she slowly limped back to life.

More than 2 years of being on the roller coaster times of illness and to keep her better, I had to stay positive.   Focus on her recovery and our life together.

She gave me love unconditionally and accepted me as a perfect husband with all my imperfections.   She blessed me with a beautiful child as our symbol of love.  She took me around the world and enjoyed every moment as a traveler.  We explored several things together, passionately and in peace.  I gave into love and did not give into negative emotions of anger, fear and hurt in spite of my own moments of uncertainty.

Life is just inevitable, with its own package of challenges thrust upon us by no fault of own.   Keeping up my own physical wellness and mental stability was key to keep the challenges under control.  There are so many aspects of our lives that we have no say in.  In whatever we can, it is fine to keep with the ways to control, with the inevitable random nature of things that life throws at us.

It was much easier to explain to the world, when she met with the car accident in one of her business trips.   Her bruises and cuts on the face showed her pain and was much easier for others to understand what was going on.  They contemplated her path to recovery.   Prayers and wishes kept pouring in till she got her physical broken parts were put back in place and got back to action.

But I had no particular way to make people understand her pain.  The stigma of mental illness did not allow me to even share the episodes of her hospitalization with family and friends.   However, I am just thankful to the awesome recovery which overtime, was a firm build of gratitude that became a massive relief for me.  I don’t need to explain to this world.  As long as I stay in her world and manage her.

Deadly silent nights when she would scroll through her entire friends list on the phone and find no one whom she could call and speak her heart out, she used to call me and cry for help.  The hours of uncertainty, doubt, worry, and pain doubled when she was ill.   Yet, she made every effort and listened to every suggestion of her doctor and kept her strong will sustain.   Miracles started to happen.  

Her episodes are not completely gone.  Though they are not that frequent, she does get into a state of despair making me wonder what recovery she had.  But both of us kept our hopes high and faith strong.  We will together fight it. 

I don’t want to question myself if she would change for good or bad permanently.  Neither do I have the miniscule doubt of her love for me, my child, our family and her profession.   I keep my respect for her and feelings uncompromisable and truthful.   Wishing our worst nightmares never repeat.   Our relationship and love between us all is stronger than ever.   As her best caregiver.  As her husband.  As her friend!  Life goes on!

Can you see a relation between Mob Killing of Rape Accused in Nagaland and 'Nirbaya' documentary? If no, time to see!

As the whole of India was debating whether it is right or wrong to ban or not to ban the 'India's daughter' documentary....another girl got victimized by a sadist rapist in Nagaland.   This time, the girl came out boldly stating that she was given Rs 5000 to keep quite by the rapist.....Sadist!  Yes, this is exactly a group of student thought and took onto the streets in silent protest.

The same day,  all the prime news channels were only debating full time on the intentions and thoughts of another sadist who is the death row and two other WELL_EDUCATED lawyers who were again and again telling that it was the fault of Jyothi to be on the streets of Delhi, going out to a movie with a boy friend and spoiling our culture!?!??!???

The young peaceful protest slowly became frenzy..the thoughts of letting another rapist lager in our jails for next several years and then giving a chance to give interview to another foreigner and making him a negative-hero was not letting our youth tolerate.  The students were joined by several of the public, protesting and more than thousand people mobbed on the jail and pulled out the rapist and took the law in their hands....lynched him, made him walk naked and finally killed him.   Is justice done to the girl?  Confusion....Interstate dispute, a collector's suspension and series of arrests followed.   

The orthodox way of punishment to an accused again took to the headlines.    When hundreds of rapes happen and accused rapists continue to survive, why did the mob go frenzy this time and took justice in their hands?  Where did the tolerance and time for justice gone this time?   Was the repeate telecast of Mukesh Singh's interview and the debates triggered this reaction of the people in Nagaland

As a woman, I thought if few more such mob justice instances happen this will make the rapists definitely scared for what happened in Nagaland and keep their zips zipped up in care!   But as a sensitive citizen, I was not comfortable to the thought of the way mob took law in their hands.   This was the way accused used to be punished in several parts of India  during 'Kata Panchayat days'  ; but are we not today going by the rotten legal system...We still will dust our old legal books and wait for justice.  Somehow, both are two extremes.    

Yes, taking law in hands is not the right thing.  We should let the law deal with these rapists.  Same time, feeding them and making them comfortably stay in jails ( Notice Mukesh, and other two accused clean shaved, wearing ironed clothes and looking very healthy  - is there no jail uniforms,  and these guys fed well and sheltered for rest of their lives as their mercy petitions will wait another decade....) is not going to be giving justice to the victims.  Justice delayed is Justice denied.

It is time for us to have a balanced thinking.   It is time to make our men promise of respect, care and equality to women around them.  It is time for women to make their families take up this promise for men's enlightenment than just focus on Women Empowerment

The real happiness of celebrating women's day is only when we see the crimes on women coming down not just in India but across the world.   The real pride of being a woman is when we help the fellow women to empower, enrich and earn their self-respect and self- esteem.   What may come, we women should remain strong and focused.  Stay strong and courageous.  Stay firm to ground and reach skies in our achievements.   Stay Blessed!

Happy Women's Day

FOMO- The new disease in the block! Time to Say Good Bye!

The first thing I look upon when I wake up is to check my cell phone for any message and I jump out of my bed and get ready for a coffee with my morning newspaper. Inadvertently, my hands reach to the iThing around… Be it the iPad, iPhone or the nearest laptop, and my poor wireless blinks at me with tiring looks. Yeap, probably I would have shut it down just a few hours ago forcing myself to sleep.

The morning newspaper gives me its hate look… with all the dirty news of the world these days we are forced to chew in…
Accidents, political big wigs shamelessly screwing each other, children forgotten in cars,  parents committing suicide along with their innocent children, and women getting raped time and again, gang raped be her a child of 3 or a grand mom of 80, all they need is a hole to screw…  
Shameless perverts who roam around in this world even after such worst crimes.   

Then runs my eyes to the new movies page, which I usually don’t watch, and to the new restaurants advertisements that I scroll through… Of course, I do make time for this and what attracts me the most is the happenings in my City- yes, Events!   For they help me to plan my “out of work & home” hours, as if it were another 8 hour routine in my life every week. Forget about the reminders from the secretary of the clubs I am associated with, sends me frequently about the meetings- General Body, Executive Committee and Projects… Yeah… >Projects Everywhere!

Amidst all this going on, I still feel the vacuum!  Is this a depressing condition?  I asked my doctor one day.    He says that my body and brain are fighting with each other and  my brain is not letting the body rest… Why is this so? 

I used to sit quietly and meditate for long. Laze on a weekend siesta with an old book, just to re-read the pages I loved… or just look around and do nothing, but give space for words to write my most cherished poems.  But in the last couple of years, things have changed.   When I feel vacuumed!  Seemingly left with nothing to do after finishing everything I “HAD” to do… I take the interesting part of every one’s lives today, the drama of the day to unfold.  What’s happening in the other people’s lives?   Who is going where?  What is that they got today?  Where are they heading to for the weekend?  Who is celebrating their birthday today …or who is having a sick moment, where I can hop in and say a regular Hello!

From the time Face Book took over people’s life, agriculture became virtual Farmville, and Twitter became Flash News and LinkedIn became permanent open live resume, Orkut became the first death in the social media, hotmail nailed underneath leaving behind yahoo and Gmail to take over and online banking became the mode of trade… My pages on poem hunter became my live storage of my scribbling uneasy lyrics, and eventually my blog became my outlet, an open diary and a solace… I am for sure most of us are suffering from the new disease - FOMO- the Fear of Missing Out!

Even people who were once upon a time, with “Who Cares” attitude, today silently watches the social media space and enjoy the fun of the drams unfolding on everyone’s walls each day.  

These silent sneekers are the people who do not post anything or comment on anyone’s posts, but who turn out to be the most frequent visitors, who are keeping track of everyone. 

Those who frequently post, find this as a medium of outlet or take this as a comfort factor that there is a whole world out there to share your life day after day… right from buying a fish, sleeping in the noon to organizing a event and being part of a larger cause…they type, they forget and leave the news for the rest of the world to eat the way they want to…like a banquet dinner to chew!   There are few people who still worry about the privacy of the information shared and keep it very restricted. Probably they are the one’s who are very cautious of the good-bad internet world and they actually enjoy a right balance of information, fun and the cyber space.  

Companies and Employers are keeping a close watch on the social media activity of the employees… Today it is made as part of the business conduct, that what you post is your responsibility and not that of your employers and advices for a social responsibility to whatever you vent in the free virtual world that is not completely organized and controlled.

However, it is very important to keep track of what you do and what you share.   One thing is frequent, posting good pictures is causing jealousy amongst our own set of family and friends… For those who are mostly indoors, feel left out when friends post pictures of vacations and out door activity.  Sometimes, frequent updates from few people irritate us as if they are over boarding us with unnecessary information.  Few updates are very knowledge oriented and welcomed by many.  Few events keep us informed and educative.  They make each one of us think

The quotations and moral messages come in every day from every corner of the world.  Even if few inspire us and follow even few of them, our lives will change for good.

Above all,   it is time to stop – the Fear of Missing Out

• Students are losing out on their study time to the time on internet
• Employees are getting distracted during their working hours on the stuff that is not so important to work
• Friends are feeling jealous and envious at time, and breaking relationships
• Families are getting united, at the same time frustrations are getting on top and creating havoc in most unexpected turn of events
• Communal violence and protests are sparking up with the wrong motivations and communities targeting all sides to influence those who are weak and vulnerable
• Humor is finding its new place and lot of things of things are educating people in terms of cartoon, same time it should not go over the thin line of control…as long as no body is targeted, insulted and injured in this process….social media will remain a blessing

 As we control the fear of missing out, we get to be more cautious about the time we spend on useless surfing, spending on unwanted search engines…and being excited on staying connected through any of the channels. Be it Face Book, Emails, Twitter, LinkedIn, Whatsapp! Tumbler, Hi5 or Instagram!.  

The first step:  Decided to spend just 15 minutes every day on personal mails, 15 mins of social media and spend rest of the day in old style…going out and talking to people than on SMS and phone,  playing games outdoor than on Xbox….chatting with neighbors’ over the real walls,   pruning a little garden than planting trees in Farmville,  and above all taking time for a cause than to support with 1000 likes on a face book page…and make the best use of  internet time to get out of this nonsense FOMO -   I will not let any disease to take over me. 

Defiantly FOMO-  Its time for you to GO!

Note:  All pictures are taken from Internet! Any copy right issues, please let me know-  Umasree Raghunath