Friday, February 28, 2014

“Why did I behave unlike my actual self?” - Another story from Paru Tales- ‘Within the four walls” Series- Paru’s introspection of her own self post an unfortunate situation

I was wheeled out of the ICU.  I could hardly see and there were tubes connected into my mouth and an irritating catheter.  Thankfully some one just removed the one that bled me to horror from my nose and I felt finally breathing.  I don’t remember the last 8 hours of my life and was terribly weak.  I could see curious and pained faces of people around me.  I felt like lifting my hand and asking some one to hold it as a comfort.  But I don’t know these people around me or probably I am not able to remember who they are.

 ‘Paru, Paru,  Can you hear me?’  Some new voice was shouting at me.  I could see him bending close and looking at my face.  I was in deep pain.  My body seems to be floating in the sea. There are voices all around.  I could hear some body crying and some one screaming.   I closed my eyes tightly.   The man who was shouting my name pinched my arm.  I opened my eyes in anger.   But could do nothing and closed them again, this time with tears flowing silently from my closed eyes.  I did not dare to open them again for a while.   I slowly slipped into a deep sleep.

The next morning some one woke me up.   I slowly opened my eyes and saw out of the window.  The day is at its peak.  It must be already noon.  I could see my friend sitting next to me, holding my hand in hers.  ‘ Paru, how are you feeling now?’…she asked.  I could just nod my head indicating that I am ok.  My husband came to my side and started to pamper my forehead and he looked very distressed.   I was trying to recollect what happened to me and why am I in the place where I am.

After some time, a nurse carrying medicines and injections came to my side.  I understood that I was just out of the emergency revivification.   I quietly obeyed her as she instructed me to raise my arms and then show my hands for blood samples and all that.  I could not muster courage to speak as there were tubes still connected to my mouth. 
But my thoughts started to rewind to that Sunday evening that caused havoc and turbulence in my life.

The relationships mostly strain due to issues related to finances and justice denied over property dealings.  My case was not immune to this common phenomenon.  The biggest tragedy is that I am neither a party to it nor a beneficiary for the same.  I have been fighting for ages for the benefit of my extended family.  People instigated me to fight for it.  My husband or my children never provoked me to do so, but some thing inside me took the slightest external triggers that pushed me out of my own self when ever this issue rose in the past.  This situation is no different.  When it happens, the usual person in me is lost.  

It is very easy to go back a decade without any discomfort of doing so.  The haunting memories and struggles of the initial days fail to disappear.  The moments of happiness that was buried in entangles of reality pushed me to a sense of loss and hap hazardous thoughts.   These thoughts are not of mine.  They are created and pushed on me by someone who could not do things by themselves.  I was victimized many times in the past being an emotional human being I am.  I always felt that it is my duty to fight for justice and this is the exact feeling that pushed me to situations that further let me drain emotionally.

After several hours of discussion and negotiations, there arrived a no common understanding between the people who are important to me in life.  What I actually failed to understand then was that no one is important to you than your own self. If your own self is not in existence, then every thing materialistic around you is of no matter to you.  It all becomes irrelevant and useless.   If you fail to understand and celebrate the life as it is, then there is no meaning on how much ever you try to make it when you are normal.  The actual personality is seen only when the circumstances are not in favor of you.  This is the exact lesson that I failed to realize before I took that drastic step to end my life.  Yes, I was foolish. It needed lot of courage to take that step that could have wiped me from existence.   Yet, when I took that decision, I did not understand any of these.  I was just not myself.  

That evening, when things were not going in our favor, I behaved like an eccentric.  I pushed people; I started to throw things around and was shouting in frustration.  I remember being calm and listening to the larger part of the discussion.  But as people started to behave in a sarcastic way and mocking at my self esteem, I could not tolerate any more.  The closest of people in life behaved with high levels of selfishness and greed.  Probably, this pushed me to feel jealous and become intolerant.  Anger knew no bounds.  I was angry at myself for having pushed to this situation.  I was uncontrollable and wanted an exit from that place.  But something strongly made me sit there and watch people enjoying my different me. 

After an hour, a sense of loss filled my head.  I remember stopping to think- forget it being positive or negative thoughts.  There was nothing. What was rushing in my head was a strong sense of rage and atrocity.  This dancing of anger made me slap an elderly person.  For a minute the entire room went in silence.  In a split second, I realized what I did.  I did not hesitate to apologize immediately.  However, this provoked a volcanic anger in everyone around.  Suddenly I became an abuser from being a victim.  I was looked upon as the worst person besides the bad people I was fighting against.  The actual I died in that minute.  What I did is wrong and it didn’t take me long to get that understanding.  No amount of justification will compensate for what I did.  Years of suppressed agony, repeated victimization and continuous raw abuse in all forms that never showed up in face to others suddenly took over my conscience, consciousness and reality. 

There is no point in defending and I felt deserted in a situation that I could have fused it before it exploded by just leaving that damn place where I was not comfortable from the beginning.  I listened to external influences than listening to my inner self and my genuine thinking.  That is where I went wrong.  The loss is not just the relations around, but my goodness.  The cost I paid for the day is huge.  Even if others forgive me, I could not forgive myself and the repentances were so strong that I decided to end my life.    Instead of clearing the darkest cloud, I pushed myself further into a thunder storm.  This time abusing my own body beyond what it can take.  I can blame no one other than myself.  Where did the conscious and most respected Paru disappear in that moment?   Where my original soft self went hiding?  What happened to my respect for elders and gratitude for those who made my life what it is?    Was it not the worst of situations that made me strong in the past?  Is it not the toughest of circumstances that made me handle any kind of crisis all these years?   How could I change now?  It this a change in me?  or another hidden personality that is unable to shed away from my body and mind.  Am I deceiving myself as a good person, when the actual inner self is a most jealous and annoyed person?  



‘Paru, Paru…..what are you doing?’  It’s time for office.   I suddenly got up from my chair and looked at the wall clock that was fasting ticking away as my husband shouted at me as he was searching for his car keys.  I could hear him calling me from the hall, ‘ Paru, what happened to you?  Sleeping in the morning, after sending children to school?.  Are you alright or do you need to see the doctor?  

I contained myself quickly.  On My Goodness!  What a fanatic dream!  That too early in the morning dozing off in chair after finishing cooking and packing children off to school!

 “Wait!-  I replied to my husband.  ‘Do not leave, I will be ready in 10 minutes and you can drop me on the way’.    He came near me and gave a hug and said his usual silent one word- ok.   .  That OK always had hundred meanings.  A confirmation that he is there for me at all times.  A reassurance, that I am a happy wife as well as a caring mother.  Support system that always makes me manages things both at home and work.

I acted fast and quickly rushed to the car, with a heavy sigh of relief that it was just a dream-  a bad dream!.   ‘Paru- Relax’ I heard my man whispering into my ears as I buckled up in the car and leaned on his shoulders.  This time I don’t mind falling asleep!









Sunday, February 23, 2014

Rocks!

Rocks- at Kovalam Beach- Pic Courtesy Ramesh Raja

Sitting along the sea coast
Watching the submerging waves
The rays of the sun at its best
Songs of the rocks sing in my head

The clouds wavering as bridal girls
Ready to spill the showers of rain
Rocks do shine as the rain begins
As if God has sent them a cleaner to shine

The shining rocks bring in a story of love
Withstanding the urges of nature and pain
Inviting a traveler by to sit and stare
At the mighty rejuvenating water bed

Kids jump from one rock to the other
Making a sage nearby whisper no wonder
Life is itself like these rocks that don’t care
In its widest range of sizes and shape

Rocks makes you hop on from one to another
With nothing but a ray of faith and sunshine
Telling you to leave behind every tear
And move on to another rock to endear

As you sit on the rock and get lost in the winds
Your mind tells you that you are at nature’s best
Ready with smile at its every unknown test
Rocks big and small, touched by ocean waves

Rays that ride, straight on your face
Makes you believe in a supreme faith
The rocks whispering goodness with grace
What may come, the rocks stay tight

Holding its power and shine in all its might
These solid rocks are not just another creation
They are god sent messages with blissful formation! 
Rocks rock on to make you smile and go ahead!


Saturday, February 22, 2014

Faith in the Divine!

Caught between the nuances of truth and faith
Unavailing mind that rips apart with shadows of past
Making up the will to sustain and sea of life to live
Yet, the thunders and the shades of dark clouds
Engulf the panoramic view of the slated sunshine

What makes it go beyond the human atrocities?
It’s just a blind faith and a strong hope in Divine
There can be no future without a ride against the tides today
Making you smile and live in peace every day

However strong be the darkness of the clouds
With the spirit to sustain and move on with winds
Will make the clouds disappear and stars shine again
Just Faith and Faith in the possibilities as sorrows disdain!

Nothing but a compromise of both heart and brain
To believe in the strength and power of the guiding Divine!









Monday, February 17, 2014

Disgusting Kateri Ritual - A terrible story of a young woman - ' Within the Four Walls" - From Paru Tales

************Within the Four Walls***********************

A story of an young woman who had to endure a blackish ritual in the name of goddess and goodness....a horrific real tale converted to a readable story of Paru

*****************************************************

Paru was in early twenties when she became pregnant with her first child.  Like all young women do, she was excited and very much expecting her baby.  She used to feel her child, enjoy the small movements of the tiny limbs inside her womb and enjoy watching herself in the mirror with the growing tummy.  She was little conscious about her weight or any other things that were bothering her in her marital life.  Being in a joint family dominated by men and an authoritative mother in law who was like a ring master in circus, life for Paru was not an easy one.  She had to do her daily chores of washing clothes,  cleaning the floor and making food along with other ladies in the household and keep serving the men till they are done before she takes her morsel of food silently in to her bed room which was her only place of privacy and solace.  However, she never felt the burden of all this and her focus and happiness remained on her baby who is going to bring her immense joy and happiness.  Rest of all things became voidable to her otherwise haphazard life. 

As she was preparing for the baby shower and bangles ceremony as per Hindu rituals in India, Paru’s mother in law came with another ritual that need to be completed before Paru can leave to her parents place for delivery.   Mother-in-law and other ladies of the house were making plans and they decided on a Sunday evening to carry on the ritual that Paru never heard of before.   Her sister-in-law counselled her that doing this ritual which is of worshipping Goddess Kateri, 10th form of Maa Kali will invoke the goddess in the house and will chase away evil.   They got Paru black saree, black bangles, and started making food from the morning of the planned day to appease the goddess of darkness or blood or evil as you may call her.  

Paru was petrified with the preparations but could hardly utter a word back as she was very scared to oppose anything in that household.  Her husband also watched at the unfolding events silently without spilling out the fears of his young wife.   Paru was a vegetarian and the preparation of all kinds of meat and seafood and along with the pasting of red kumkum all over the doors of the house started to make her tremble in fear.  She could not digest the smell of the food including dry fish, meat and sea food.     She called her mother and informed but was advised to keep quiet and just follow her mother-in-law instructions as they believed that if she objects to anything and then if anything happens to the child, they will not spare her. 


On the Sunday evening, the rituals began around the Rahu Kalam, before the sunset at 6 pm.  Paru was dressed in black saree, black bangles and put heavy kumkum on the forehead.  She feared to look at herself in the mirror.  Mother-in-law instructed the whole family to come near the well in the backyard and she started putting around the copper lamps and cleaned the space on the floor.  She kept a brick and arranged decorations of flowers and ash along with turmeric and kumkum – the red paste she applies for everything and anything.  

Paru was alone inside the five bedroom house and all the others were behind the house waiting for her.  Mother-in-law walked in, closed all the windows, suddenly came to Paru and held her hand and switched off all the lights.  Paru was frightened to the core; all she did was just to place her right hand on her womb as a reassurance of comfort to her growing child.  Mother-in-law gave her a lamp in her hand and asked her to come out of the house through the front entrance and roam three times around the house before she placed the lamp near the brick that was then considered as Goddess Kateri and placed all things in black, tobacco, water filled with ashes and incense sticks.   Paru was sweating like hell; her eyes were full of fear and tears.  She did not muster a word of courage to stop the agonizing ritual in the name of Goddess. 

Then the real trouble began.  Paru and her husband were asked to sit, and mother-in-law placed camphor in front of them and lit them.  After which she pulled out a Plantation leave and spread it in front of them.  Then she started serving all that was cooked that day- chicken, dry fish, mutton fry, prawn, crab, dry brinjal and rice.  Along with something made out of rice powder that looked like a small lamp filled with ghee.  

Paru felt like running away.  Her husband started to eat as his mother instructed them to begin.  Paru’s tears were flowing unnoticed.  The darkness of the surroundings did not let anyone else notice.  Her blood pressure was running high and she was not able to sit down in that posture with her baby moving with discomfort inside her.  She was instructed to eat without leaving anything in the leaf.  Her husband helped her by swallowing the maximum possible and leaving rice and vegetables for her to quickly finish.   Then mother-in-law continued the prayers and made everyone lie on the ground and offer prayers to the brick goddess invoked as Kateri.   Then she took Paru and her husband inside the house and took aarthi to them and then asked Paru to go and rest.

Paru ran to her room and closed the doors.  She cried to herself inconsolably with the ritual that made her shiver.  Mother-in-law behaved like a tantric who performed evil rituals in burial grounds.   Every other member of the family watched it like watching a tele-serial involving ghosts and cremation rituals.  It took many days for Paru to get out of this memory. 

Even after years of her child’s birth, Paru goes into a deep silence and pain whenever she remembers this ritual or the events of the day. 

Kateri is said to be the10th form of Goddess Kali and also called as Katyayani.  She helps to bring both good and evil.  Nowhere in the Hindu mythology there is mention of this ritual and that too to be performed on a pregnant lady.  After several years of going through this unfortunate family ritual living in midst of a metropolitan city, Paru wanted to know why and where this sad ritual came from.  She could find references to the same in some tribal cultures of Africa but there was no mention of such a habit in the families of Indians especially happening in cities.  Those who suffer from nightmares and ghosts believe that invoking Kateri into the person will heal the person from such pains and traumas.  Paru realized that this is an utter disgusting practice depending on the mental ability of the person who wants to continue this ritual in the family.   

It is a blind belief that performing such odd rituals will bring in good health and happiness to the family and to the new born.   Beating of the person with branches of neem leaves and asking questions to the one on whom they believe that goddess Kateri is invoked and blindly following whatever the lady shaking all though says is all nonsense.   NO Goddess will ask a pregnant lady to be put through such a menace and if this mother-in-law believed and made vulnerable Paru do this, it is nothing but unfortunate for Paru and Shame on the Mother-in-law and her family who participated in this nightmare.  It is time to stop such blind beliefs and horrid rituals to continue in our society.



Friday, February 14, 2014

Do we need a special day to celebrate love universally? Is it not a daily thing?

Amused by the newspapers and TV ads focusing on the Valentine Day special, I could not stop from pondering over the necessity of this day in our life.   Is love not a daily thing?   When some one mentioned that we have inherited this culture from West, I could not stop laughing.  I haven't seen this craze of this day after living some years in US.   

We are a culture that is so open today, that we think everything that is new and interesting is inherited from the other side of the planet.   When some claim that this is a hyped marketing strategy aiming at immature teens and youth,  some debate what is wrong in having a special day to celebrate love?   

India from times immemorial have accepted love of all forms.  The universal love of Radha-Krishna,  started centuries before other cultures even emerged.   Love is a very vast subject to debate and debate.  To those in love, it is a blind faith, it is amazement, it is a chronic belongingness to the other person, it is a virtually oneness with the person they are in love.  But for those who look from outside, it looks like silly way of celebrating love.  I am not immune to these feelings, nor do I stop being in love.  I am blessed with a husband who is an ardent lover, who is my best caretaker and my best friend.  

So what is that I am trying to tell here?

First time lovers get carried away, infatuations dream special things on this day.  Love that is cross continental, that is beyond boundaries of caste, religion and national boundaries, take this day for celebration.  Love that is not accepted, that is either pushed or forced to be stopped finds all ways to express the same on this day creating pain to themselves and to those others involved in their lives.   It is a universal feeling of happiness, care and belonging.  Had it not been for love, there is no human race!

However, we do not need special days to celebrate this feeling of heart.   The drum sounds that get louder when you hear the first ring or the first whispers of your love in your ears for the sentence with a three letter words 'I Love you' is always special.  In families, where children are grown with adequate freedom,  liberty for thinking,  sharing of life's ups and downs and are treated as friends, these children can handle their emotions pretty well than others, who are raised in the parental boundaries of control, coercion, debates and questions of WHY phenomenon.  That's when we hear stories of tragedies related to love.

Our history has given enough stories of love..where mostly men were victims...and women move on.  Equally there are instances where people forget their first love and move on with life that time provides them.   No one need to be blamed in this paradigm shift of thoughts.  However, respecting the feelings of each other towards a goodness of minds in the long run will create happy families.  

There is no age limit at when one will fall in love.  Today's newspapers carried a news of a 17 year old boy falling in love with a 50 years old woman with couple of children.   We have seen movies like Chinni Kum, where a young girls falls in love with a person of her father's age.   The great Mumtaz Mahal married Shahjahan as his 14th wife.   Honestly, love is blind.  Love is pain if not handled with care.  Love is a tragedy if not the feelings are let to open up and time will heal all wounds.   Falling in love is not a crimeHowever, falling for the right person makes sense.  For that we don't need a marketing strategically created Feb 14 as lovers day.

How many of us know the story of Valentine who died on this day?  Did our children see him?  Is he part of our history books and stories.  To many of us Valentine is just a name.  A name synonym to love today.  Why have we forgotten our own Lord Krishna who was the best lover in our history books.  

The other side of this interesting day, is many people confuse love and lust.  Lot many people think that being in love is only for wanting of sex.   Sex is honestly a biological need of all living mammals and is a necessity to create future generations.   Our temples from ancient times did not stop showcasing statues of  love making...  Our country produced the epic of Kamasutra as a gift to the world of sex.  However, love is feeling of heart, a togetherness of thoughts where as sheer lust is just an urge of the body.  It necessarily may or may not need love in it.        

But love needs compassion, warmth, friendship, sharing, caring, understanding, a genuine feelings of consideration,  mutual giving and taking of things in life, balancing the oneness of the soul and it is more powerful than anything else.  Stop making love and lust synonyms.

If love is universal, love is internal and love is a collaboration of two minds, hearts and life's it will emulate into a life long bonding and decent relationship.   Then in that case, they don't need a special day.  Those who can understand the concept of love, will respect the feeling of it and will move on.  

Love will not become a tragedy if it is true and not forced by circumstances.  Love will remain the same even after the other person's death.  For it will not have anything to do with the physical existence.  But if you cannot reach the other person through your thoughts, if you do not have the same vibrations, if you are not able to get a matching wave length, then it is not real love, it is just an infatuation that you have to leave behind and move on!

Let the love of this universe shine not just today but everyday, creating peace and harmony.  Making love a strong bonding between relationships and unconditional acceptance of each other with their own imperfections and limitations.  Love is not trying to be 100% perfect in a relationship, it is trying to be 100% truthful to the feeling of oneness of the soul.   May all people in love have not just today, but ever lasting happy days! 

    

Saturday, February 8, 2014

A good life is one that is lived meaningfully...few pictures from 2012-2013

MC at Installation of the Golden Jubliee Year 2012-2013

50 years of happiness in friendship and service rewarded

Go Green Synopsis, Winning 1st place in e-quiz

Eco Sustainability Museum Visit in Nungambakkam

Couselling in rural village of Athur for people suffering from hearing and related disabilities

Wonderful day of service in Athur Village with Eternity Foundation 

Remembering the Charter and celebrating the day for IWCMS

Fun times with Friends at a farmhouse in ECR

Rendering Inner Wheel Prayer at our Golden Jubliee Celebration at Accord Metropolitan

Taking on the role of Club Treasurer for year 2013-14

Friends of EC joining hands in friendship and service

Mazhalai Oli Diwali Celebrations for Underprivileged at MGR Janaki College

Planning for Diwali at Nallamai Ramanathan's house for a huge project

Walking in Marina for Breast Feeding Awareness Camp

After honoring teachers on Teachers Day at Gandhi Nagar Club

Distribution of Sarees at Sahaya Illam

Distribution of Medicines to Sahaya Illam

Distribution of Blankets, health drinks, snacks and funds at Birds oldage home Acharappakam 
Provided funds from our club to build the proper shelter to Bird Oldage Home

Pasumai Tree Plantation at Acharappakam Village

Children's day celebrations and talent hunt at Vallalar Gurukulam Medavakkam

Eye Camp for school children at Olcott Memorial School, Besant Nagar

National Polio Immunization Drive at Egmore Children's Hospital

District Conference at Hyatt Regency with Association President Pushpa

Loved meeting Preeti Srinivasan of SoulFree and ensured to support her cause

Wedding day celebrations with vallalar gurukulam kids

Day listening to our grand parents at Sahaya Illam

Volunteering at Food Counter during Chennai Cycling Rally

Medal distribution of Kids run during Dawn to Dusk Run

Preparing for the Skit at Indiblogger Chennai Bloggers Meet

Creating Awareness about SevaiKarangal at Indi Blogger Meet

Winning the 'Smelly Movie' Skit at Ambipur Indiblogger meet

CBC Meet and Greet Visit to Marina Chennai Lighthouse

Manmar Reunion and 10th Anniversary at MGM Grand Resorts

Arumbugal Alayam kids social Trek to Nagalapuram East

Solitude and Peace at Nagala Second Pool- Eternal Bliss

After collection of garbage of Shiv Ratri at Nagala after trek

Breast Cancer Awareness Run with Padma

With Pink Run Winner 2013 from South Africa

Another happy day at Vallalar Gurukulam

Anandanam at Sahaya Illam sponsored by Friend Gayathri

Empowered at 80- making mats from cloth waste- I am a regular buyer from Sarada Patti 

Medical Camp at Sahaya Illam

Thanks to Dr Mani for joining hands in the medical camp

Another day at SIP Home Kollathur

Terry Fox Run for Cancer Research at IIT Madras

Annadanam at Udavum Ullangal Adambakkam
Fun-Eco trip with Children of Home of Hope at Vandalur Zoo