It
happened and it really stink. Paru had
been married for years and suddenly she found herself in a deep attraction to
someone else. A casual encounter at a
social gathering, exchanging niceties on the social media, following each other’s
life closely to an extent that a new friendship with a soul connection grew
without even both realizing the deep bond.
One
night a long conversation turned into a test-flirt the next day during a lunch
break from office, that got rewarded, a touch of hand over passing a tissue and
soon navigating into the depths of serious deceptions. Paru never imagined things going this far neither
planned anything nor stopped it before it reached a point where she started
cheating on her spouse.
Feelings
taking hold of them due to host of reasons and few purely biological. Catching like a common cold, slowly turning
to a fatal disease. The brain awash with
an insane logic that seems to make sense, with a strong sense of awakens from an
otherwise dull marriage and the feeling of inner spirits revived and ignoring
the tsunamis of guilt and shame of the new-found happiness in life.
The
small attractions of wearing matching dresses, looking gorgeous on dinner dates,
romantic feelings arising while watching movies and the stars romancing on
screen, slowly trying to hold fingers tightly and brushing across each other’s
shoulders in response to the onscreen romance and then trying to place small
and tender warm kisses in the car park before leaving the multiplex. Paru and Raj found a spark which was missing
in their lives and her decade old marriage.
Paru
was getting drawn to the developing attraction of Raj and the romantic feelings
for him other than his spouse happened normally, naturally. Paru was aware that it is harmful and can be
incredibly destructive to the fabric of her family and people who care about
her. Raj was showing her the love that
she never felt before. Paru started lying.
Lying, hiding and manipulating almost every single day. She started
spending every possible moment with Raj and obsessing about the next time she
can be with him.
Almost
after 3 years of managing to hide and seek with her amusements outside marriage,
her husband one day saw a message from Raj that could possibly damage her
marriage forever. She knew she did not
get into it on purpose, but she was forced to think of how to get out of it, on
purpose to save her marriage and social status.
Struggling
with the strong feelings for Raj, and not having the courage to end her
marriage, she started working hard in paying attention to the needs to save her
marriage. She tried to ignite the spark
in her marriage by dressing up for her husband and asking for candle lit
dinners. He found it all pretentious. Her husband hugged her gently and calmed
her down when she broke up without even knowing why.
She
could not act on anything… Paru tried
her best to shut the so called ‘inappropriate relationship’ down and be
truthful and intentional in saving her marriage again. Her husband remained composed and gentle letting
her come to her own terms in life.
Paru
started feeling terrible. Though her
intentional efforts to save her marriage was going on, she was unable to stop
feeling for Raj whose love gave her the spirit to live. She started feeling suicidal and wanted to
end her life. She has two men who adore
her. Husband who is not only
compassionate, caring and understanding but also tolerant to her inconsistent
emotions and there is this OTHER man who is her perfect man showing her love, showering
her surprises and keeping his expectations in tact not to overwhelm her. But Paru started having trouble stopping and
have no idea what to do! It started
becoming extremely painful.
One
fine Monday morning, after sending her children to school and husband to
office, Paru decided to meet Raj. She
called him to the Cafe Coffee Day.
After ordering her regular cappuccino for both of them, she took his
hand in hers. Squeezed it tightly with
tears flowing uninterrupted. He did not
speak.
‘Raj,
you know how much I love you. In fact,
you don’t know that I love you more than myself. I feel
so happy and fulfilling when I am with you.
I feel like my life found a meaning ever since you came in my life’….
Paru paused. ‘But I want to end this all’…She
confessed squeezing his hand further.
Raj
looked deeply into her eyes. She could
not withstand his stare. She closed her
eyes tightly and holding her hands continued to speak. ‘Raj, I know this is awful, going to be very
difficult, both of us will be terribly hurt, but let’s believe that there will
be life after that’. His eyes were getting moist but did not
speak. ‘Raj, I need to open up to God
and own everything I did. I need his
mercy’.
Raj
interrupted her this time. ‘Are you
sure?’ he asked. She nodded.
Raj continued. ‘Paru, I always loved you the same way I did the day we first
met. That is not going to change. How you want me to be with you will be based
on your decision. As I still love you
the same way, I will do anything that you want.
But you need to know that walking away from me, you should be walking
towards a much stronger happiness, peace and something more important than this
relationship. You should not be afraid
of losing me in case that cause is much stronger and stable, happier and will
give you peace. Do it. Or else, decide to end your marriage and
start afresh to be a ‘real self’. It
will shake up things but will clear lot of things in the process. Better than being in this hide and seek
relationship and still being in a marriage.
But the decision is yours!’…. He took his hands off hers.
He
stood up silently, patted on her back, tried to give her a small smile and
tried to walk away when Paru caught his hand again. When she went in front of him, first time in
life, she saw a deep pain and tears in his eyes. He tried to act bold. Raj tried to joke and said that he will
surely fall in love once again. 6 years after marriage, he lost his wife and
son to a road accident and Paru happened in his life almost 5 years after that
tragedy shook his life. She knew it is
not going to be easy for him. Probably
he will stop trusting any other woman and will be afraid to even fall in love
again.
‘I
don’t believe in friendship beyond love Paru.
So, don’t expect me to be responding to you and being a friend, being
there when you need and will run to you when I need. Be honest to your spouse, tell him what’s not
working in your relationship and try to reduce the conflict, or the silence, if
he was or if you are. Take your real
needs into the marriage and seek professional help if both of you need to hear honestly
to each other and reconcile. Good luck
dear’. -
Raj kept his parting words longer, sensible and with utmost
honesty.
Paru
realized that she must learn to cope up with the loss of her relationship with
Raj or else will be repeating itself and contributing to more bigger
problems. Already she has caused bigger
wounds to the marriage that could have impacted more than she could
imagine. She decided to confine in her
husband Siva and tell him truthfully how much hurt and loneliness she was feeling
in life before she ended up in her relationship with Raj. Siva basically being a composed person did
listen to her attentively. It is amazing
how people can drop their walls when they feel heard.
Paru
hugged her husband whole heartedly that night, probably first time after many years. She cuddled into his arms feeling the comfort
which she missed all these years. She
decided to ask her self deeply and stop deceiving herself and others. In mid of the deception, she did tell so
many lies that she doesn’t even know how to get back to the truth. The only truth is that she is now ready to
change. Accept things positively. The beginning of honesty with others is to
first being honest to oneself.
The
next morning, she woke up to the bed-coffee that Siva made for her. The mystery of God’s very real and inexhaustible
love seems to be taking onto her. She is
not superstitious or a religious fanatic.
The words from the book ‘The
inner voice of love’ written by Henri Nouwen seems to be hitting her head. The last night’s revelations to Siva while
lying in his arms was not easy but chased away her panic about the life ahead
with him. He did not preach her,
correct her or console her. All he did
was to give a small kiss on her forehead reassuring that things will be fine…and
this too shall pass.
Three
souls, different emotions, difficult phases of love, biological urges, societal
pressures, above all, staying humble and repenting through the backlash
helped. Siva understood that his
smallest of neglect of his wife due to professional pressure will make her get
lonely and he must be more expressive in his love. Defending his actions, blaming Paru will only
fuel new anger and give for permanent break up between them.
Paru
realized that unless she decides firmly on what she wants, she will be
struggling between search for happiness and the factors of guilt of cheating on
her spouse. Raj realized that searching
for love, all over again is not an issue, but being in a relationship with a
woman who is in marriage and still not sure of what she wants is not only a
curse to him but to all around. Had her
husband being a cruel person, unbearable spouse and she wants a new life
altogether, there is a point in his continuing his relationship with her till
they get into a legal bonding. But if he
is not certain that it will happen, there is no point in hanging on to a
relationship that is fragile – be it in love, legal tangles or emotional outbursts.
End
of the story - Doing what really makes
you happy in life is the only way out of all the tangles surrounding it. As yourself in silence – you will find the
answers to all tangles around!
