This or that...what ever it is !!!

Chains that bound us

need not be stronger or tighter

they are just too mental

than being any where physical

we are made what we think

perceptions matter a lot

we are glad if we could smile

even in painful slot

but take it in stride in mile

Days are longer

and nights much shorter

sleep is what we crave for

hunger prangs nowhere near

mind is mixed with a blur

unknown hidden simple fear

time to wake up the strength within

letting the ghosts fade away

time to stand up again 

nothing to hold you upon

body is becoming frail and weak

yet, the mind to enrich and awake

making my head think unthinkable

capturing the unseen enemy within

the fear of failure

the fear of frustration 

the fear of being forgotten

the fear of being unfriended

Believe in yourself

to feel a bit better than yesterday

waking up with a smile

to take that one extra simple mile

Trust tomorrow is better

than today and past

This or That, what ever it is 

The Hope is what makes life better

The faith is what it takes forward

The dawn to dusk effort

The sincere thought from heart

one  soul, one mind

one heart, one body

sync for the better you

Just the way it need to be

A New You! Just You!

Arise, awake and shine

Think Positive to be fine!

 

 

My spirituality begins in my bathroom :-) :-) :-) ...

Yes, you heard me right!   My spirituality unusually begins in my bathroom....It is one place in this whole world. where I can just be myself.  I can laugh for nothing,  I can cry my heart out,  I can giggle at myself in the mirror,  sitting on the closet, I dream letting myself relieved.   It is in my bathroom, that I have my life's biggest decisions sparking in my head.   It is here, that I look at the mirror and talk to myself endlessly, seeing and stopping my unwanted frowning...smiling at my silly thoughts of adventures that I cannot take and the fantasies of life that I cannot explore otherwise.  It is my world of peace..It is my place of spirituality.

After every bad day, I get to my mirror on the wall and let it out.  I talk to God there, I find him next to me.  I stop worrying what others would think or if I am pleasing or not pleasing my Gods.   We share a very unique and fervent  relationship in our eternity.  I am not a religious addict, but I have strong beliefs injected into my system ever since I was born.   Religion and Spirituality are two absolutely different things but go hand in hand.  They cannot be discarded as opposites nor taken for granted as synonyms.   Religion teaches us a way of faith, a way of worship and way of living.   Spirituality takes you closer to God, within you and outside you.  

I have done my share of mistakes in this world.  I am not perfect and I never tried to be one as well.  It is an absolute delight to be yourself, the way you want and the way you feel comfortable.  My family thinks that I am a nerd not trying to be matching to the corporate world I work for.  It is an additional value to how we present, than a necessity.  I do my job.  So being presentable in a different way makes no sense to me.  I am the same old traditional, non-fashionable girl from a uprising town far away from the modern melodrama of metropolitan city.  I live in midst of the city and I enjoy being a socialite, enjoying parties, long drives, dance (of course crazy for others to watch), attending events all over the city for all kinds and above all, I am allowed to be myself.  To me it is my own spiritual elevation.  To be myself.

Not many would acknowledge the fact that the utmost and absolute privacy begins only in the bathroom....but to  me it is the small space of my own.  I don't spend long time than required there, for I have the fear of over dose of my spiritual calling.   My thoughts get clear, my appreciation for my body is high, my level of admiration for my dreams is elevated and I find some kind of calmness.   One day, I was thinking why the hell I am having this unusual quest of finding my inner self.   I realized that I am in search for something unique and different.   I am honestly contended person with my own share of ups and downs that keep my life easy and enjoyable.  It spices my life.  However, there is sharp contrast to the search of unknown.   

Three things like loan, hatred and unhealthy body collapses a life easily.  If we keep  running behind the quest of making money aimlessly and in the process lose the very life, it is meaningless....The peace is gone when we take the loan....we end up in hatred of the situation, hating people and these two finally destroys our health with worries..  Few simple mantras in life actually change the entire thinking we have in life.   Until we realize that we don't realize the purpose of our life.   Spirituality is not practicing and learning Vedas and scriptures.  It is a simple process of following the goodness of mankind.   It is not easy as said

To me spirituality is not a different process.  It is a way of life.  It is how I identify myself with my inner urges.  My crazy and mind boggling thoughts and deeds.  I did hurt many people in my life and I beg their forgiveness.   I had worst times and I wish to forget them.  I spoke ill of few people and I apologize for the words cannot be taken back.   I repent for the hurt I gave to few.   Amidst all that I also abused my mind and body.   This realization is my spiritual enlightenment.   Emerging out of the self-defined crisis and re-making things around me is the spiritual realization.  I am at peace.  I am at peace with my self.  My small world.   

This post is written as part of the #ChennaiBloggersClub contest on "What spirituality means to me?"  #Spirituality #ChennaiBloggersClub #Songsofthemist

 #TheMonkKey Contest

Link to CBC website and the monk key website.

www.chennaibloggers.in

http://themonkkey.com

Suicide Story Calling for Hope and Help

Expression of life with smiles and cheers

The loud laughter’s for such silly jokes

Confidently standing beyond arrogance

False countenance nonchalantly reticence

As I pulled over the mask to show different me

So fake and so conflicting to nonexistent inner glee

Not with intentions to cheat everyone around

But disguising with pretense to one thyself

Murky gorge of reality without an escape

As my skull becomes evil’s warehouse

It is nothing but a curse being titled strong

For the actual struggle hidden all along

Swinging precarious between hope and surrender

Hiding tears and fears battling scary bearers

Consummating the artists within in disguise

Desponding alive in growing stronger 

Unable to eat, sleep, travel or wander

Trying to slip into the little dodging slumber

Absolute frames of absurd thoughts derider

Hugging the lifeless pillow to cry aloud

Of falling into the valley deep into the grounds

Running behind the leaving train

Waking up with a jerk and disdain

Succumbing to the loneliness of the chest

Sweating unusual than on a wilder trek

Where is my inner strength disappear

And the ardent faith ruled over by devils

Cries in cowers laid to rest in corner

The provocation to die chanting over life

Darkness and death looking alluring

Life be uphill struggle and non-fetching

Scared of another day and survival

Everything looked repulse and pointless

Hearing my fore-fathers calling me to the shore

Another life, another time, welcoming to meet

Where is the hope that made life everything?

Heartache, emptiness of the inner soul

Lost merry, life easy, trading my nothing

The curtains are ready to be brought down

The drama of life is ready to sure end

Free from the masks of public appearance

No more delving in pity of others around

Time to put an end to the corrosion of mind

Beyond the layers of wisdom thick to grind

Depression is never seen till it’s too late

Death can seem to be the only solace

Finding the Story of Suicide around,

Look again, think and stop by for a second

Give them a hug, hope and helping hand!

That moment, may bring them back to life again!

Day 13- Every Day Inspirations - The Story of a Care-Giver

She kept looking at the sky.  I could imagine what my wife would be going through, the sort of the day she was having and her mood.   

Face is in the index of mind.  Here, the mind is feeble and not listening.   Rain, Shine and drain, all happens in the same day.  Like a wild boar in the forest, like a hurt caterpillar curled up to rescue, or just like a peacock dancing in the rain.   She could portray everything in one single day and still work with her daily routine.  To be her caregiver was not only tiring but also confusing. 

As I pushed her in the wheel chair to the hospital, this time, I know she was suffering from mixed episode, severe mental condition with moods swinging ferociously with mania, anger, depression and acute agitation, kind of loss and total disconnect.  Her doctor was very kind and he had the patience to help me understand her medicines and also keep them away and give her as per the prescriptions time to time.  Any lapse on my part to do this, will put me at the havoc of running with her to recuperation center trying to revive her back to life.  How can I forget that one afternoon she pushed me into that state of helplessness?   Medicines and treatment that made her get annoyed and more restless.  But we had no choice but to listen to our doctor.  Patience.  Perseverance.  I know my inner spiritual strength is helping me as her care taker.

Her mental pain created a mess causing disturbing episodes of anger and argument with my parents and family.  Not everyone can understand her illness which is driving her and cannot endure what I do.  I just stay calm for I know that arguments or justification will only lead her to get agitated  and in a mood.  There are times, when I just give up being a peacemaker.  I feel like giving her a slap to make her shut up.  I want to kick her out of our house.  I am also a human and there are times that I just lose my patience.  But I still endure. 

She strives to orchestrate activities that keep her busy.  She seems to be doing best in everything.  Suddenly she gets lost.  She gets tired.  She shouts for a break.  I silently wish I could say no to her, when she initiates hundred things at a time, triggering another episode of pain, to herself!

I was getting drained, with stress and worry, striving to look after my child, attend my job without losing it and maintain my sanity in the process.   A plethora of moments in the treatment, that cause a deep sense of anxiety.  Will she ever recover?   She was unwell and often required hospitalization for physical illness just because her mind did not give in the immunity that the body requires.  The longer the hospitalization episodes, the wheels of our apple cart seems to be coming off.

Being mentally ill, she often opened the can of worms without even realizing it.  Every past hurt, difficulties with parents and parents-in-laws, past relationships, insecurities, regrets, would often surface during counseling.  Instances of abuse in which she got locked away, disappointments and fear had to be slowly decoded and put back in order for her to move on.  

 

Listening to her favorite classical music, reading her favorite fiction, and creating awesome network of friends and taking steps of recovery at work and focusing on her childhood dream were happy indicators as she slowly limped back to life.

More than 2 years of being on the roller coaster times of illness and to keep her better, I had to stay positive.   Focus on her recovery and our life together.

She gave me love unconditionally and accepted me as a perfect husband with all my imperfections.   She blessed me with a beautiful child as our symbol of love.  She took me around the world and enjoyed every moment as a traveler.  We explored several things together, passionately and in peace.  I gave into love and did not give into negative emotions of anger, fear and hurt in spite of my own moments of uncertainty.

Life is just inevitable, with its own package of challenges thrust upon us by no fault of own.   Keeping up my own physical wellness and mental stability was key to keep the challenges under control.  There are so many aspects of our lives that we have no say in.  In whatever we can, it is fine to keep with the ways to control, with the inevitable random nature of things that life throws at us.

It was much easier to explain to the world, when she met with the car accident in one of her business trips.   Her bruises and cuts on the face showed her pain and was much easier for others to understand what was going on.  They contemplated her path to recovery.   Prayers and wishes kept pouring in till she got her physical broken parts were put back in place and got back to action.

But I had no particular way to make people understand her pain.  The stigma of mental illness did not allow me to even share the episodes of her hospitalization with family and friends.   However, I am just thankful to the awesome recovery which overtime, was a firm build of gratitude that became a massive relief for me.  I don’t need to explain to this world.  As long as I stay in her world and manage her.

Deadly silent nights when she would scroll through her entire friends list on the phone and find no one whom she could call and speak her heart out, she used to call me and cry for help.  The hours of uncertainty, doubt, worry, and pain doubled when she was ill.   Yet, she made every effort and listened to every suggestion of her doctor and kept her strong will sustain.   Miracles started to happen.  

Her episodes are not completely gone.  Though they are not that frequent, she does get into a state of despair making me wonder what recovery she had.  But both of us kept our hopes high and faith strong.  We will together fight it. 

I don’t want to question myself if she would change for good or bad permanently.  Neither do I have the miniscule doubt of her love for me, my child, our family and her profession.   I keep my respect for her and feelings uncompromisable and truthful.   Wishing our worst nightmares never repeat.   Our relationship and love between us all is stronger than ever.   As her best caregiver.  As her husband.  As her friend!  Life goes on!