Corona Times ! (A facto-fiction tale!)
-
Umasree Raghunath
It is already 10 PM.
I have not finished all the work that I planned for the day and my dairy
is staring at me with rage after having scribbled, ticked off the work that’s
done and not having any lines to fill.
Working for UK from India and during their time zones…life of an IT
professional is no different than that of mine.
Inadvertently I turn back to catch up that smile of the man
who generally gives me ‘all will be good’ assuring smile every time I get
cooked up in a client call and need a break to sneak out from the laptop. I only find a blank wall staring at me this
time. My favourite boss is missing. I realize that I am not in office. Working from home had been the norm for the
last 45 days. I don’t find the noise of
Corona boys around who generally pull me to tea with some unhealthy snacking
which I silently enjoy eating when ever I am stuck deep in work. They are my colleagues whom I enjoy working
with. We share work, lunch times and tea chats on anything from
politics to passion. We pull each
other, we fight like teens, we share
support like matured adults, and we used to play together too. Handling complex and critical projects
always have its toll on the mental health and our boss used to pull us to
meditation breaks as well! The quick
20 minutes’ walk that he used to pull me to the DLF lawn was the only time for
Vitamin D for me . Can’t believe that
it has been 45 days since I had my sunshine!
I am still surviving!
Everything suddenly changed.
I missed the hot conversations,
sharing lunch boxes, sitting by the big glass window to watch the
commuting cars in and out of DLF after the long day before winding up. My family has become over conscious to keep
the home noise free. In their sincere
attempts to make my client calls go without any background noise. My poor better half watches the TV most of
the time on mute, not wanting to disturb my back to back conference calls. He smiles at me when at times, I quickly try
to comb my hair, wear that forgotten red lipstick lightly and get into a quick
T-Shirt from the home pyjamas or nightie, knowing that someone is expecting me
on a video call. With the scorching
summer on and continuous working from home, you tend to many times not get into
the mood to dress up for work.
My poor wardrobe that is untouched for the last month and a
half gave me stern look. I haven’t
touched my nice collection of sarees for a long time now. Forgot about those adoring Kanjeevarams and
wanting to have the strings of jasmine to my hairdo! There are no longer events happening, no
motivational talks, no college lectures or social service in person. Ironically, I forgot where I kept my Thali
saradu too (The sacred wedding thread that most of the Married Indian women
wear). There are no one in the streets
as I slip into my walking shoes and walk around the colony for a brief 45 minutes’
walk every morning and evening. So, I
don’t find a need to be ‘presentable’…just surviving will do!
Corona Boys! My Favourite
Girls! Our trips and outings. What makes me ponder are those everlasting
memories. Having moved out of the team
just before the Corona craziness started to hinder the world’s regular rhythm
of functions, I am no longer in the daily meetings with my old team with whom I
worked for good number years of my life.
So, this feeling of isolation, being lonely and not having friends
started to make me get drained and have sleepless nights. I kept calling and messaging them and few
responded. But many didn’t. I felt hurt first time. I felt lonely. But
work kept me going!
Its already 1 am…I am still trying to sleep. I am missing the adrenaline of meeting
people. Getting dressed up, having a full packed agenda and roaming
around my city of Chennai. Thoughts
keep going like the trains that once whistled their way just 100 meters away
from my home. I go and spend good 1 hour
in terrace watching the 7 layers of vegetation just 40 feet away from my home
as the Met department forest area has a thick canopy of green layers covered
with various types of birds. And
finding several Bats flying above our heads this season. Are they telling us something? I wonder.
The WhatsApp groups have become unending garbage cans. Like everyone wants to throw their garbage
to the next compound wall. Fantasy to
senseless forwards irks me to get out of the groups. But the fear of being left out stops me from
doing so. I wonder. Are we really living in the real world?
Some simple happy morning messages from a best friend keeps
me hopeful. The fact that we are in
their thoughts at least that moment when they send that message is what matters
in these dire times. Yet. It is all
possible that they just automate and send to several of their friend list. But why assume! Be happy with what you are
getting!
I miss those small evening breaks where twin poetry used to
flow and then came the Tamil poetry from a non-Tamil speaking poet! Chai kings and that Sulaimani is dearly
missed. With it I missed the guru who
used to have real candid conversations on anything from work, home, children,
service, education, aspirations or the never-ending spiritual quest and talk on
spirituality. Misses are many and that
is real!
HOWEVER
This Corona times also opened several things in life. Hitherto unthought of. We take so many things for granted. And we complain about so many trivial
things. We take people for granted. We take situations for granted. Until we are into a totally different mind
game and reality
Probably that where the mandala (45 days) of practice of
doing something for around 40 days was put into place in our religious
rituals. Be it 40 days of Lent or 40
days of Ramadan fasting or 40 days of mandala puja for Hindus….what can be done
for 21 days become a habit and what can be done for 40 days become a new
normal. To me this 45 day so far has
become such a spiritual journey.
April came up with 30 days of 30 poems and this year, I chose
Spiritual Journey and it was indeed an inward journey. From being a social animal to be in
isolation watching the same three faces every day, I evolved. I did not change. I started becoming a new me. One who can start loving thyself!
This Corona times also showed me truly the people and things
that really mattered. It also showed me
how horribly I kept spending all my time and energy on people who gave a damn
to even check on how I was. I did not overreact. I did not unfriend them on social media. I tried calling them myself and checking on
their wellbeing. Despite that, I found
some cold shoulders. Now I know who real
friends are and who are not even worth to be virtual friends! Thank you, Corona. You made my life better!
And come to the only thing I could do out of work! Walk !
Walk Walk and Walk on the terrace, around the house, on the empty street
in the colony and it became an addiction.
Switch on the Music Sree! I tell
myself the minute I wear my walking shoes.
The breath of fresh air. The
sounds of birds. No trains running
opposite my eyes or planes flying on my head.
And no opposite house thata (grandfather) who also functions as my add
on CCTV for my home since my childhood after his son took them away to
stay! It not only reduces a bit of my
body mass, but also strengthen my me time...
Next came the mindful consumption – the concept that is close
to me and that I sing along. We started
being minimalist in everything around – right from going to one pot meals and
using rations and every other thing only as needed and stopping all wastage
BINGO - Came the bonus
of life. On 22 March on the day of
Janata Curfew, my daughter declared to take over the kitchen . After having spent 22 long years since I was
22, I found a relief. Not just that. Chinese, Mexican, Thai and Italian cuisines
came home eventually. YouTube became a
Master Class run show. Dining table
became an experiment paradise. Despite
the mouth-watering and beautifully plated dishes, I had to be conscious of my
health and weight. But what a blessing
it was. What an amazing sight to see
both my daughter and husband sharing the kitchen responsibilities, baking,
fermenting, cooking, cleaning and everything.
LOVE - Sometimes
distance proves the intensity of the love you share. There are few people in life who means
everything to me. Despite the distance,
time and circumstances, I realised that the test of times prove how skin deep
is your love. It is not rosy all the
time. Sharing the life’s realities is
what makes relationships stronger and real.
Above all the emotional baggage that I struggled with; one thing stood out perfectly. Like a fountain of life! SELF-LOVE!
Its already 2 am - I
took my phone and kept watch at those eyes that mattered to me the most. Sometimes you don’t need the person sitting
next to you holding hands. Or in a hammock
swaying in the moonlight with the breeze of the sea waves around and pushing
you to place random kisses on his cheeks and lips. You don’t need to have his legs on your
laps rubbing against your chest and wanting you to pamper his feet listening to
the songs that he dearly sing for you.
The lockdown can lock it all up.
There can be no outing, no romance, no long drives and no wearing that favourite
red top and blue jeans with the ponytail.
But what can lock up your thoughts.
In no time, I swayed into his bosom feeling it all. I quickly open my mail and scribble few
lines that I want to tell him that moment.
I cry and cry looking into those eyes that spread love and gave it
all. Corona. Thank you dear. You gave me a way to cherish the relationship
that I dream of in life. Though it is
not real. It is not a fallacy. It is
part of me and truly something that I can imagine being truth for ever and live
on!
I was looking at my phone, wanting to call someone. Its already past 2.30 am. Probably I can only call someone on the
other side of the world. USA numbers
raising and UK is following suite. Mind
raced behind the great times in Detroit and Los Angeles and couple of medical
frontline friends who gave a lot of love in these 2 cities. And then the Niagara Falls. The beauty of the beasty falls on the Canada
side that I loved watching with my best friends and family. The world suddenly changed. I don’t know when we will get to travel that
far again. I remember driving down to
Halifax Titanic Graveyard when I was in Nova Scotia. Probably, next time when we travel across
the world, we may be having several of Corona Cemeteries and Memorials world
over. We are becoming part of the World
tragic history that succumbed several souls at a time. What an unfortunate year 2020 had been.
Again HOWEVER,
The environment world over got to breathe on its own. Without the vehicles plying all around making
noisy sounds and polluting the Planet Earth.
I remember the beautiful Mackinaw Islands. Probably how fortunate it would be to visit
them now. And then comes my abode of
peace. My destination unparalleled.
Rishikesh. My friend who went in
March as a priest to perform Rudra Puja for Lord Shiva got stuck with 30 other
Hindu Priests in Uttarakhand. Locked up
in Rishikesh on the banks of Ganges for full 45 days. What a blessing it must be. I
know he would miss his family, routine and his work in Chennai. But I am sure being in Rishikesh for this
long is something he would not get it again in life. I wish I was there. In the abode of eternal peace on Earth!
Corona not only gave the world a realization that simple
living is possible. It also showed the world that no matter what. Our physical
body is the vehicle of the soul and we better respect it, stop abusing it and
build immunity to fight any damn odds in life.
The mental strength that’s needed to survive the kind of situations we
were pushed in is also an eyeopener. Corona decluttered not only my life,
relationships and friends, it cleared lot of things in my head. Sometimes, we need occasionally the visit of
this generous virus that had killed all the barriers of differences in terms of
caste, creed, rich or poor, prince or a pauper, man or a woman, aged or
young. It just went ahead with one
rhythm of cleansing the Earth in its own way
Its 3 am. My eyes are
now getting strained. Sleep is not
happening yet. Thoughts are not
stopping though. This gentle summer
breeze of the midnight is touching my soul.
I am awakened to a new sense of belonging. I want that to be serene and real. I turn to my side to pause a moment and smile
at the happy snoring and peacefully sleeping soul next to me. How lucky you should be if you can catch up
sleep within few minutes of hitting the bed.
I envy him all the time for that.
I feel so naughty to wake him to make me a midnight coffee. He makes the best coffee at home. I want to have that damn nutty Dairy Milk,
but too lazy to go to the fridge to grab one.
My mind goes back to the man of my dreams. This magical man keeps coming to disturb my
sleep every night. I almost live a
parallel life with him. This invisible
soul stirs me up. Goes down my neck and
touches my chest. He makes my stomach
churn in pain longing for him. Wish I
can give him a name. A shape and
form. A relationship.
You may ask, why Sree?
You have a handsome and the most caring husband in the world. A beautiful family. A wonderful life. Why mess it up! Who said I mess it up! I am living in my own fantasy world of
surreal supreme belonging and what is wrong in it. This belonging is to the soul. The longing is for that body. The ego is that I have him in all my
thoughts. Endless bounty of
happiness. An endearing bliss of
solitude. That is all mine. I write long poems in praise of his supreme
self . I write long letters of love that
I keep on whispering every night. I
want to surrender to his feat and in his love that is eternal. His wish is my command!
The real man next to me gets disturbed with the light of my
phone. He gently persuades me to
sleep. He gets up and goes to the
washroom and watches the time. ‘What are
you doing till 3 am?’. ‘Sleep now’. He gently tells me again. I nod to him
Turns back to my side pillow that I cling on to. Tears roll down. How will I make him understand that I need
the man who is crazily refusing to leave my thoughts. I am talking to him for hours. That’s making my soul fulfil in its brilliant
happiness. I want to embrace him. I want him to flow his life inside me. I want his hands to hold my face and promise
me that he will never leave me. I want
him to touch me and assure me that he will love me like no one else will
do. I wish he makes me unite with him
deeply that no thing in the world can part us ever!
Sree! Stop this
now! I can hear you yelling at me
now. Ok.. Ok…I will tell you the
truth. The truth of who this intruder
is! No..No..I am not hallucinating. I am not dreaming. I am just finding him within me. I am discovering myself with him every
passing day. I am enjoying my spiritual search with him. I am embracing a divine calling with his
existence in my life. This is supreme
awakening. This is real. This is love.
This is not fallacy. This is the
only truth.
He is my soul. He is
my soulmate. He is my everything. He is my Shivaya. The life within!
