Can you see a relation between Mob Killing of Rape Accused in Nagaland and 'Nirbaya' documentary? If no, time to see!

As the whole of India was debating whether it is right or wrong to ban or not to ban the 'India's daughter' documentary....another girl got victimized by a sadist rapist in Nagaland.   This time, the girl came out boldly stating that she was given Rs 5000 to keep quite by the rapist.....Sadist!  Yes, this is exactly a group of student thought and took onto the streets in silent protest.

The same day,  all the prime news channels were only debating full time on the intentions and thoughts of another sadist who is the death row and two other WELL_EDUCATED lawyers who were again and again telling that it was the fault of Jyothi to be on the streets of Delhi, going out to a movie with a boy friend and spoiling our culture!?!??!???

The young peaceful protest slowly became frenzy..the thoughts of letting another rapist lager in our jails for next several years and then giving a chance to give interview to another foreigner and making him a negative-hero was not letting our youth tolerate.  The students were joined by several of the public, protesting and more than thousand people mobbed on the jail and pulled out the rapist and took the law in their hands....lynched him, made him walk naked and finally killed him.   Is justice done to the girl?  Confusion....Interstate dispute, a collector's suspension and series of arrests followed.   

The orthodox way of punishment to an accused again took to the headlines.    When hundreds of rapes happen and accused rapists continue to survive, why did the mob go frenzy this time and took justice in their hands?  Where did the tolerance and time for justice gone this time?   Was the repeate telecast of Mukesh Singh's interview and the debates triggered this reaction of the people in Nagaland

As a woman, I thought if few more such mob justice instances happen this will make the rapists definitely scared for what happened in Nagaland and keep their zips zipped up in care!   But as a sensitive citizen, I was not comfortable to the thought of the way mob took law in their hands.   This was the way accused used to be punished in several parts of India  during 'Kata Panchayat days'  ; but are we not today going by the rotten legal system...We still will dust our old legal books and wait for justice.  Somehow, both are two extremes.    

Yes, taking law in hands is not the right thing.  We should let the law deal with these rapists.  Same time, feeding them and making them comfortably stay in jails ( Notice Mukesh, and other two accused clean shaved, wearing ironed clothes and looking very healthy  - is there no jail uniforms,  and these guys fed well and sheltered for rest of their lives as their mercy petitions will wait another decade....) is not going to be giving justice to the victims.  Justice delayed is Justice denied.

It is time for us to have a balanced thinking.   It is time to make our men promise of respect, care and equality to women around them.  It is time for women to make their families take up this promise for men's enlightenment than just focus on Women Empowerment

The real happiness of celebrating women's day is only when we see the crimes on women coming down not just in India but across the world.   The real pride of being a woman is when we help the fellow women to empower, enrich and earn their self-respect and self- esteem.   What may come, we women should remain strong and focused.  Stay strong and courageous.  Stay firm to ground and reach skies in our achievements.   Stay Blessed!

Happy Women's Day

Impact of Tasmac Shops on Women’s life in Tamil Nadu

‘Wine hath drowned more men than the sea’- Said Thomas Fuller. 

Today on every small gullible street, we find a caged shop doing brisk business all through the day.  A Festive look is wore on all special days …the huge parking of bikes, smoking chicken stalls outside, the hawkers selling cigarettes and eatables, pickle packets and fried peanuts.  This scene is so common in Tamil Nadu around every Tasmac Shop.  Common are also the sights of men, dressed half naked lying on the streets around,  women shouting and grumbling outside the bars and hotels attached to the Tasmac shops and children searching for their drunken fathers in their usual visited shops. 

This creates a huge havoc in the society and the normal lives of many families.  Women are prone to domestic violence, financial upheavals and all forms of abuse.  Men lose not only their senses, money and employment, but also the love and care of the families.  It is not just men, but also women who are becoming vulnerable to this environment and become silent buyers at these shops.  Tasmac shops which are a huge source of revenue to state government fail to close due to various political and economic considerations in our society.  Women are both directly and indirectly impacted as the financial strain on the families is high and the burden of keeping the kitchen fires burning falls on them entirely. Education and moral upbringing of children becomes a mammoth challenge.

Unfortunately the existence of Tasmac shops impact the lower income groups to a greater extent.  Women struggle to keep their sons and men out of the reach of liquor which destroys the happiness and normal existence of families.  And the death associated to illicit liquor also impact women more than men, as the chances of widow-hood and abuse is more, which virtually sinks them in the society. Given the slightest chance of this habit, men of all kinds, be it a husband, son, son-in-law or a brother don’t hesitate to get into a Tasmac shop next street.  Be it day or night, it doesn’t make them a difference.  This creates a major block in relationships and broken marriages. 

The increasing health related issues due to regular drinking also creates a burden on women due to inflated medical costs.   All these result in suicides and panic amongst women and children.   Youth are spoilt and in-disciplined due to the drinking habit and easy availability of liquor in local Tasmac shops.  They also tend to steal money from their own homes and also lose on the quality time that need to be spent on education and colleges.  Their concentration and health is at stake thus causing more worries to the mothers.   Forcing such youth into the marital system only creates more domestic issues to handle, abuses that get unfolded and violence that creeps into the system.   More stories of drunken driving, accidents and murders, violence and rapes have become the norm of the society today.   The easy availability of cheap liquor affects not only the life and health of the individual but the whole family and the society at large. 

In the long run, both men and women tend to forget their social and economic status and go into more deeper poverty situations as they are not able to control their lives on this spending, related health hazards, impact on the children and their education and women failing to manage their men to resist from visiting the nearest Tasmac shops every other day.  The consequences are largely forgotten and misunderstood.  People who are habituated to drinking and spending time in Tasmac shops/bars think that it creates camaraderie, companionship and makes them free from all troubles of life.  What they fail to understand is that there is again another day where they have to face life.  Women tend to feel the burden of this attitude more then men.   Hard working laborers find this as a temporary solution from all their aches and issues. 

Unfortunately, when these shops and its selling through out the day is legalized for the narrow way of revenue generation to the government, people think that there is no wrong in continuing visiting these shops regularly.  There is no relief in sight for the women from the low income groups at least in the near future.  The biggest challenge is to keep themselves away from the shops, getting victimized to the circumstances of abuse by the people who are regular visitors to the Tasmac shops and also to keep their focus in creating financial stability of their families.  

What ever may be the circumstances, women need to focus on education of their children, create awareness of good and moral values in the families, monitor their men and caring; keep the cards open for them to understand the impact.   Expecting the politically gained government to do good for us is like pushing the mountains to move.  The least we can do is to cleanse the system by ourselves in the smallest ways possible within our line of control.  Women need to be more strong and at the same time show love and affection without losing patience and tolerance till they are able to bring in change in the families for good.  

The figures are so alarming that Tamil Nadu stands first in the Country in terms of volume of sales in Tasmac shops.  Though the government claims that the increase in Tasmac shops has resulted in the less number of illicit liquor consumption deaths, black marketing and undue pricing of liquor in the markets, it is no where a sign of a better society.   People drinking while driving is a significant menace.

Public disturbance in residential areas due to the availability of liquor in the Tasmac shops is a common compliant in every police station these days.  Especially elder women living alone are subjected to abuse, robbery and murders by the drunken evils.  Even in the most silent of the city locations, you can find street fights and men dragging women who question the liquor habit of the husbands.   We also see the rise of selling of the domestic ware, things and certificates by men to raise money to buy liquor. This puts the women to most traumatic conditions as the men fail to find jobs and lose senses in the long run.

None of these women have the strength to fight the odds in the society.  Neither do they have the financial strength nor the physical energy to control the men nor have normal lives.  Women silently suffer day in day out tolerating all forms of violence and withdrawal.   There are many mothers who go in search of their sons on the roads once the day slips into the nights and men don’t return home on time.  There are many wives who are forced to sell their mangalsutras to feed their children in the absence of their husbands sharing the responsibilities and spending hours in the Tasmac shops.   Increasing number of shops near to schools and colleges is also becoming a continuous nuisance as parents are struggling to keep their children away from this damaging habit.

We as a society should empower women and create a need for woman by a man and not be woman who wants a man to run their lives.  This paradigm shift will make the men realize how important is for them to hold on to their lives and not lose it at the counters of the Tasmac shops.  

After every night of cries, we have to arise fresh and show our smiles to this world.  Instead, we have to stop the cries every night.  Women need to be change agents by themselves. Control and monitor the habits of their children and men.  Only then we can protect our own breed.  Every problem will have a solution and it is in the women of Tamil Nadu to realize their potential and work hard towards a Tasmac/ Liquor free society.  Men will do wrong and Women need to emerge strong from every situation of this kind.  Road side protests, hunger strikes and suicides will not bring solutions.  The existence of evil is for ever in the society in one form or the other.  Including the existing of Tasmac’s next door.  How we fight it and make the life the way we like it, is all in our hands.  Be positive, stay focused and go forward is the only mantra for women of all strata’s of the society to move towards better life.  TASMAC shops are just another issue that we women in Tamil Nadu can for sure handle and erase from the society once we stand united in this cause, create an awareness of the menace and become real fighters. 

“Life knocked me down several times, it showed me things I never wanted to see.  I experience sadness and pain along with failures.  But one thing for sure, I always got up!”

Yes, be a strong woman.  Fight for the cause of cleansing the system and Tasmac Shops issue that can be slowly but surely kicked out of our system in the long run

“Empower and Educate Women.  Eradicate Liquor”.

A year gone by as we lost our Delhi Braveheart - Yet the Crimes continue with no shame!

Every 20 minutes a Rape happens in India.  1128 rapes registered in 2013 compared to 468 cases registered in 2012.   This is still prevalent…Despite the change and campaign that engulfed after Delhi’s Brave Heart was gang raped in Dec 2012.   Police humiliation in handling of the rape/ sexual victims is still in existence, people walk out free after being involved in rapes, sexual assault and exploitation and stalking.   

India woke up to speak up against violence against weaker gender.  However, the men don’t stop zipping up given a chance, be it in a lift, or a corridor in office or a deserted street.  Forget the marital rapes and abuse that happens time and again inside the four walls of our India homes.  Unfortunately laws have its own loop holes and people still do not fear the law of the land to harass a woman.   Sex trafficking is a big business in India.   

Sexual harassment is every day “Breaking news” in the TV channels.  Acid attacks and stalking are every where in the newspapers.  Sending out our girl children out of our homes alone is always like having fire in the belly.  Leaving children with elders or even grand parents care is no more a security for there is a scare of the molestation.  Walk, Rise, Talk and Fight against Rape.  But nothing makes the mistakes stop.  Women are time and again raped, gang raped and left to die on the streets.    

Women’s rights are only in law books and not practically followed in India.   Fight for better law and order and not revenge still continues flustered.  Many women do not feel safe even in the public places.  Using public transportation without getting pinched on your backs or men rubbing from behind is still a distant dream.   Minor accused escapes in name of Juvenile law.

Even before Delhi Brave heart who stole the country’s attention, there are several Sunitha Krishnan’s who rise beyond the sense of being lost and raped and reconstruct their lives and silently set a path for others to survive and rebuild their own lives.  Government plays a very minor role in rescue and providing rehabilitation as after such incidents the families and society disowns them.   Effective legal procedure with a sense of responsibility and law enforcement is the need of the day.   Though now more rapes are reported, the legal system is still not adequate to put an end to this menace.  

People peace marches, candle lighting vigils, talk shows and repeated TV campaigns and political parties and social organizations did bring in a lot of awareness of sexual harassment of women.  Unfortunately the Mumbai Shakthi Mills Rape case, Tejpal sexual harassment case of a journalist, and several hundreds of reported cases continued in 2013 giving no respire to Indian women.  There are thousands of other incidents that go unnoticed, unrecorded and silently suffered.  More and more there are campaigns going on to prevent such issues; more seems to be the cases coming up.   

Probably the trend of violence was always there and only gaining momentum to fight after the death of India’s Brave Heart named Nirbaya.  Only wished her real name is known and we know her face to pay her rich tributes or may be silently visualizing the way we want is a better solace.  

A year gone by …and women of India and the world continue to fight for their safety and honor.  The fight only seems to strengthen day by day bringing people together to fight against injustice.   The age old law books seem to be no where clearing the dust and re-writing the pages of history with punishments that would bring in fear in the society to do such crimes.    

No one can save us, except ourselves.  Instead of teaching arts, science, dance and drama, parents should first make self-defense a compulsory education to children both girls and boys.  This should ensure that they protect themselves against any form of abuse and molestation.   Work place harassment should come to an end with corporate’s and government houses tightening up the internal policies and make people aware of the consequences to such acts.

We need to make our boys and brothers respect women, treat them with dignity and respect their emotions and safety.   It is only when women at grassroots and homes teach their children and bring in the moral values instituted in from a very young age, we can get rid of this perverts in the society.  

RIP Brave heart.  A year went by since your struggle for life started, and you disappearing into the test of time becoming an angel of fearlessness and voice of the Nation against such crimes.   

Wishing that a new dawn is in store in future when my country wakes up with a happy song of its girl child and not the shrill cry for justice.  Jai Hind!

SAY NO TO CHILD LABOUR- World Day against Child Labour- June 12, 2013

As the world today is celebrating ‘No Child Labour Day’ , the sound of the shrill call from a elite friend of the past resonanced in my ears loudly again-   “Rama-   Ekkada chachavey”….meaning Rama, where the hell have you died….

The just 10+ year old child ran to her ‘Madam’ side in a less than a minute and this fabulous rich civilized woman creature gave her a kick in her pit saying that she should stay in her sight all the time.  The little girl was embarrassed for I was there watching this happen …and as I tried stopping this so called friend.   The Madam gave the instructions to Rama to start pressing her legs as she stretched them on the coffee table from the sofa.  I felt like pushing her sofa upside down.. The poor little girl started to obey her silently for everything she was instructed to!.  

This is just one of the millions Rama’s who silently endure the pain of a heavy childhood, not see a penny of their earning which get sent to their parents in the villages,  fed on the leftovers and let to sleep on the floor even in chill winter nights.  These children help in domestic chores of cleaning, cooking and washing.  Few help the elders run errands for them.  Few are destined to be baby sitting all the times as mothers keep busy with kitty party’s and clubs and sometime genuine work schedules.   

Children working as child sex workers silently, not knowing of pregnancy and child birth, and subsequent consequences are another side of this sad story.  Children trafficked to other countries as domestic help and baby sitters, forbid of their rightful education and growing up years of childhood to enjoy, the poverty of the parents push them to the chores beyond their age. 

Millions of children work in remote villages in farms, silently inside the rooms of the factories,  do demeaning chores hidden inside the industries and sadly in the red light areas of the country doing jobs beyond their age and understanding.  

Construction laborers’, hotel waiters and cleaners, domestic helpers, courier boys, news paper boys, car cleaners,  workers in quarries and as wood cutters, cobblers, painters and potters.  These children do not know what is it like having a four square meal, a good night  comfortable sleep,  education and alphabets,  money and savings and no dreams of a sustainable future.  They get for the day, they eat and sleep what ever is possible and carry on with their lives.   By the time, they realize what they lost, they can never get back -  the precious childhood and hopes of education

 Thanks to the night schools and no child left behind campaigns, the children today are getting the required awareness and attention.  However, there is yet a larger segment of the society that is not careful of this menace between us.   Thoughtlessly employing children at any form of work is made illegal in most part of the world, but the law remained in the books far away from action. 

Time to say NO to Child Labour and put a strong end to this in our country.   Every child need to be set free to dream and dare to move in their lives with confidence and choice than be pushed to labour and burdened childhood.

Domestic Violence- Are we thoughtful to other people's problems?

A young lady in her early 20s (let’s call her Paru) is at a family gathering to celebrate the wedding reception of her brother in law, and welcoming the new bride. The family consists of Mom, Dad, three sons and 2 elder daughter-in laws, one daughter, one daughter-in-law who is the new bride.

 Our Paru goes about the day helping with the festivities, but she is quiet and has little enthusiasm. As the day moves on, there is a sudden explosion that disrupts all festivities. The explosion is of an emotional source and comes from Paru.

Paru begins to shout, “What is wrong with all of you? How can you all act happy?! This bride is in potential danger!”

She starts crying and flees from the room. Now, please reflect: What are your thoughts about what happened? Has she ruined the whole atmosphere? Is she unstable and does she lack control? Is she perhaps even crazy?

If any of these conclusions come to mind, this young adult has been labeled what psychology calls, “The Identified Patient.” She would be the one encouraged to get therapy.

What is the immediate truth here? Before the outburst, her mother in law had abused her physically and emotionally as young bride for few years now. What is the historical truth? Her family had been indifferent and mother in law treated her as a servant and her husband was made aware of it — everyone but her parents and family.

So the reality is this: She is part of a family system that operates in denial, and it is that system that is dysfunctional. So let’s shed some truth on this scenario.

This young woman is actually the only one in her family who has insight, is emotionally healthy and takes action. Her husband had been uncomfortable when she told him of the agony she goes through.. Once he accepted it, he talked to the mother in law once, and then wanted it to never be spoken of again.

Father in law went into emotional denial. He accepted it had happened, but could not accept how deeply the abuse affected his daughter in law. Dad figured he paid for therapy; why couldn’t she just get over it and forgive?

Her mother in law, thought the lasting repercussions were her “Paru’s issue” and she went along with life. Mom felt “uncomfortable” when her daughter wanted to spend time with her away from her in-laws place. When abuse was brought up in another context, the father in law asked his daughter in law if she would divorce her husband because of this domestic violence
When she responded, “yes,” he said, “Whatever, Paru” — as if Paru had the problem.

What is this family system exhibiting? Denial and concealment. What are they conveying? That the daughter in law is the one with problems.

Essentially, she’s the family scapegoat. Her anger festered, justice, righteousness and truth screamed out to be heard, and she was met with, “Paru’s crazy.” And her younger brother in law called her as a ‘Fish Market!’

Actually, Paru is the most sane member of the family in this story. This is a family system that had thrived on everyone agreeing and denying. This is called pseudo mutuality and is a very dysfunctional family dynamic. Truth and healing are rarely revealed in this type of system.

This is Paru’s narrative. We all have one. Often, the source of a painful narrative is family of origin, abuse, being misunderstood and the like. Our experiences create who we are. When no one gives us a voice, and others do not take the time to understand our experience, then people who are innocent can be misunderstood.

Often victims look like the identified patient, the one with the problem, when in fact it is the system that is dysfunctional. Often domestic violence, child abuse, sexual abuse, shaming and emotional abuses are denied. They can either lead to someone shutting down emotionally or one becoming a voice for justice.

Integrating facts and truth into how we view people demonstrates morality. It should be practiced as members of a community, family and even in friendships. We often speak cavalier statements, such as a person is dysfunctional, crazy or unstable. But we must take the investigation of truth into consideration.

Victimized individuals are deeply affected by life and often much more intuitive and emotionally intelligent than others. They are less likely to put up with injustice. They often make a stand and speak out against immorality, and this just makes others uncomfortable.

But the reality is, the woman in the above story is absolutely right. She uncovered hidden sin. Once it was revealed, it was pushed under the carpet. She then confronted the denial.

Why did she do this? To save others from being victimized. Her experience gave her insight, righteous indignation and the courage to point out and fight against injustice and abuse.

Let’s support those who speak out against abuse and get over our discomfort. We then become healthy systems for people to thrive in.


Thanks to Kimberlee Z,whose article inspired me to write this story