Happyness Conversations from AVISInitiatives
AVIS Viswanathan and Vaani curated 'the happyness conversations': This monthly Conversation Series champions living Life fully with what is. It is sponsored and hosted by the Odyssey Bookstore in Adyar and is for anyone who wants to pause and reflect on Life. These conversations started in 2015 and they have journeyed to 100th conversation this April 2019.
#AVIS100 was the 100th Happyness Conversation held on 13 April 2019, at Odyssey Adyar at 7 pm where ‘Manu’ and ‘Karthik’ shared their story - a story of courage, strength, perseverance and absolute acceptance of life as it is.
Happyness Conversations with Manu and Karthik - HIV Positive couple
When they first heard the info
After a month after marriage, like every new bride Manu was expecting the good news when she went for the blood test and met her doctor. The ‘news’ that she got was the least a woman can expect…that too when she was in the thoughts of ‘expecting’. She felt shattered, deceived and broken when the doctor informed her that her husband (ex now) have full blown AIDS. She felt blank and lost to the man next to her. She was angry for this is something that she rightly DIDN’T deserve in an arranged marriage. ‘Karthik’ was a young man with lot of passion for life and dreams about a great career and at the initial stages of life when in 1994, during a surgery, he had blood transfusion. He was later bewildered and completely felt lost when his doctor broke him the news that he is tested HIV positive. He went and knocked several times on the doors of the surgeon to tell him who gave him the blood, only to be facing denial and fierce fully shown the door. That is when his company suggested taking this up legally, but he felt for what use. What has happened has already happened. Nothing is going to reverse his medical condition.
Acceptance
Like all such ordeals in life, acceptance takes time. It must overcome anger, frustration and the questioning of ‘why me?’. Acceptance is the first vital step of life’s hardest truths. Only when the acceptance of reality dawns on you, will you be able to face it with courage and conviction. Then the focus shifts from the sense of lost, betrayal, depression towards a focus on the things that need to be done to ease from the situation if not to resolve it. The fact that they are HIV is not something they can resolve. But they can make it not create an overwhelming shadow that would snatch life out of them. Karthik’s acceptance made him to look at what life style changes he must make, what food is good to build the immunity, exercise regime, the routine he must follow, sleep patterns, the medical needs and timely tests. Once he was able to shift his focus on to this, life became much easier to manage.
Anger
Genuine anger sometimes is necessary. When Manu was able to identify her ‘source of anger’, she found it easy to make life changing decision of leaving her husband once for all and restarting her life. In a stereotype middle class marriage, she tried to strike the conversation with her husband who only retaliated her with abuse – both physical and emotional. She did not have the courage to inform her father, but shared the truth with her mother, who stood to her support to make the final decision of coming out of a marriage that was built on the edifice of lies and deceit. For a moment, I felt like standing and giving her a hug there, for even to walk out of marriage needs courage and especially when you have your own vulnerabilities back home. She decided to remove the ‘source of anger’ in her life forever.
Forgiveness
Many a times, people advice that forgiveness is a medicine to your healing process. When you forgive, you are no way going to change your past, but sure to do that to your future. For you don’t need to carry the weight of garbage in your heads into your future. Keeping the basket out of the mind is the key as Karthik said.
Social Judgement
We live in a society that feels that it is its responsibility to be judgmental about everything around. People go ahead with unconscious bias towards certain things like HIV, Mental Illness, Divorce, Single Parents and what not. Many a time, even those matured souls tend to be judgmental without proper reasoning. So Karthik and Manu were not unaffected by it. However, they learnt not to be susceptible to this same. When Karthik’s childhood friend, came to know of the fact and asked him if he can touch him, not only showed the lack of awareness in the society but also the need for sensitization. Manu had experiences of people staring at her on disclosing the fact as AIDS was considered a truck-drivers, Sex workers disease and not always related to several other factors that could contribute to the same.
Survival and Work
The focus on the survival started after source of anger was removed. Manu firmly tells the fact that what doesn’t kill you makes you strong. Life has its own baggage. There cannot be any extras and you must take it the way it is. Dealing with something that they don’t rightly deserve is not easy for it had its own ripple effects. When Karthik had to look out for options to find a job, he had three offers in hand, which he could not join once his medical tests showed his state. Keeping up their jobs was very important as the need for supporting the family, the need for survival and meet out the mounting medical expenditure was something very high those days.
Few demons overruled by angels all around made their lives possible. Karthik disclosed to his brother after 2 years of knowing of his disease and he found an extremely good support system at home from his brother, sister and uncle. Manu had the happiness of her parents support and friends making life a bit easy for her to focus on her health and betterment. She understood that a pill a day keeps her going.
Understanding the disease
They touched up on the Difference between HIV and AIDS – the spectrum. HIV is a virus and AIDS is a medical condition that happens due to the low immunity due to the virus in the body. They gave HIV new definition as Happiness in Vast! Manu called HIV is boring – the fear that something happens is killing than the disease as nothing happens in fact as they don’t neglect on the required life style management. The stigma kills more than the disease and that is what they fight even today. The journey for 25 years since 1994 for Karthik and 2007 for Manu. Secrets that are essential to survive in the society – they do not cause harm to anyone around and they prefer not talking about it and scaring people around.
Faith
When AVIS asked them about the faith, that kept them grounded and courageous. Manu went on to describe her acceptance of Buddhism that changed her perspectives of life. She found an inner strength to look at the positive side of the world. Karthik found his calling to Shirdi Sai Baba on his visit to Shirdi from Aurangabad…and he felt a deeper connect with Supreme energy. What ever may be the form of manifestation of the supreme energy, it is this deeper faith that keeps them going. Living life with complete understanding of the situations is by itself a way of spirituality and this ultimate faith give it more meaning and happiness. Above all peace within.
Their Love Story
The last lap of the conversation went around their love story. They took every opportunity to express their gratitude to YRGCARE and to Dr Sunithi Solomon and having Sunil Suhas Solomon during the event made it more meaningful. This part of the conversation made it touch our hearts as they cutely described how they were pushed to talk to each other, and how Karthik proposed to Manu on the valentine’s day and how quickly things fell in place for them to get married on 9 May 2011. Sometimes, God has his own ways of rebuilding lives. Today they are the cutest couple I have come across in the last few years. Their love is genuine. They made each other’s life complete and happening.
My interaction
I took the liberty to go and thank them profusely for sharing their story with all of us present. Having been a social worker for the rehabilitation of the HIV positive in Tiruvallur district for last several years and having recently attended a wedding of a young couple who were tested positive at birth but found a meaning to continue with life as it is, here I found meeting this people more liberating to my thoughts and inner happiness. I went and spoke to both, hugged Manu tightly and shared my card with her to keep in touch.
I came home, shared story with Aishu and cried to my hearts content. Thank you, AVIS Viswanthan, and Vaani, for this conversation will linger in my head for long. For I felt a strong connect…somewhere of deeper reflections.
For more information on #thehappynessconversations and for understanding what Vaani and AVIS Viswanathan, the happynesswalas, do in the space of "Inspiring 'Happyness'"....please look up http://www.avisviswanathan.in/ and Workplace Happiness Firm http://www.avinitiatives.co.in/
Pictures courtesy: Vinod Velayutham
