One Happyness Conversations that ended my day in tears- Huge Respect to K.S.Narendran and R.V.Rajan whose love for their respective spouses brought tears to this soul

AVIS initiatives and especially their Happyness Conversations touch me everytime I attend .....today was no different.  Infact, it was very special because it had Rotarian Rajan as one of the Guest speaker...what else I need as motivational factor to push myself to attend amidst two critically complex production cutovers at working  I have been manning from early in the day and a college talk that was pre-planned long ago and skin infection that was really skin deep in trouble today and thanks to my dermatologist friend Sneha who came to my rescue last night....medication, work pressure, social commitment and the urge to go for this conversation....what a day!

Today as we heard the conversation of two different men who adored their wives in their own way, and who lost their beloved spouses in two different ways and yet, had a strong underlying uniqueness of a strong bond and falling in loving as they grow old.

R.V. Rajan and his beloved wife Prabha Rajan

Rajan who is now 70+  had an amazing career as the Ad Man, Rural Marketing Expert, Socialite, Author, Celebrity. Round Tabler, Rotarian and many other feathers in his cap.    His beloved Prabha Rajan is known to me ever since I joined Inner Wheel in 2004...on the day she passed on 5 Jan 2013, I was in the ITIL certification process and exam, and couldnt reach her house on time to see her for one last time before her final journey....that regret ran in me for long time.  Subsequently coming to know about Rajan, he became a very important part in our lives as part of our Mutual Admiration Club....and we kept bumping into each other at many social gatherings.  Rajan and Raghu also bonded well and we had so much in common to celebrate this friendship.   Prabha from being an introvert, to a very expressive writer, and her transition from being a timid madras mammi to be the 'Nightingale of Inner Wheel Club of Madras South' her journey is an inspiration to many.

Rajan instead of mourning the loss of his beloved wife, decided to greive in a different way.. Celebrate her life and create more of Prabha Rajans in the remaining life he is gifted with after her demise...His Prabha Rajan Talent Foundation has a beautiful purpose on its own and today, he still feels that he can help women recreate the magic in their lives by becoming published authors and he encourages women writers to survive, get opportunities and chase their dreams...Hats off to you Rajan....some where deep down in me, I am discovering a father bond in you...God bless you Rajan.

K.S.Narendra and his wife Chandrika.

Ever since MH 370 disappeared from the skies on 8 March 2014, this particular tragic event baffled me like many around the world.   It was absolutely undigestable that a so called most secured passenger aircraft can just go missing   for no reason known so far from the skies and no amount of loss, anger, frustration,  pressure from the families those who lost their beloved one's could make this search continue till the whole episode found a logical conclusion.  It is very unfortunate that 3 families from India lost 5 of their beloved one's and it wasnt even a number that would be considered important for Govt of India to push for answers and it is the most unfortunate thing for the families when compared with the 150+ lives of Chinese .   As Naren, was speaking, I could feel that choke in his voice...absolutely controlled grief,  a deep anger that had no where to go, the pain that is absolutely devastating and lots and lots of questions that probably will never have answers.  Chandrika who used to be full of life disappeared along with the plane she was in.   You should watch this conversation video recorded to feel the depth of love he has on her and how tough this spouse goes through after she is gone.   Naren calls life as a gift and he has to move on.  But one thing that can never go from him, is the love for Chandrika, his grief which he learnt to live with,  the healing that is very minimal and a life ahead which is absolutely based on the flow of the daily routine, with no dreams of his beloved coming true.     I struggled to hold back my tears while hearing him.

What this conversations about 2 deaths was disturbing to me and absolutely related....

2018 was a painful year in my life..losing 2 absolutely important women in my life...my mother and my god-daughter Manasa.

My mother lived a full life,  had her own struggles and health issues,  a life full of battles of all kinds and tasting success of the daughters she raised, and her glorious last 20 years of life was filled with the joy of being a very very happy grand mother and she adored her grand children like nothing else. 
A small fall at home, that broke her arm, and subsequently restricted her movements and finally diagnosed with 70% clots in 3 of her nerves in the brain....was a painful journey...Just like Prabha, my mom struggled with the issues related to her brain problem for 7 long months and the physical pain she was suffering was unbearable and difficult for us to watch.. We could help her with supporting externally round the clock, ran to the hospital errands and stayed with her, treating her like a baby in her last few months.  At one stage, seeing her in so much of physical pain,  I prayed God to give it an end and relieve her from this earthly pain.  I prepared myself to accept her death when it happened.  I started celebrating her life.   Despite that her loss created a deep sense of vacuum and I wished to knock on her door when I return from work..   She was there to take of my home and my daughter and gave me ample space to pursue what I want and chase my dreams.  Today, I miss her support, her discipline and her unexpressed unending love in actions.  Probably this is so similar to what Rajan is going through.  The only difference is that my loss is of a parent and his loss is of his spouse of more than 40 years.    We need more Rajans in our society who don't talk on women empowerment but just be the torch bearers of the same.   God bless you Rajan

Munni (Sai Manasa)  gave us no clue that she will disappear one night , like an star into the skies.  The foster daughter who adored me like her own mother,  spent more of the last 6 years of her 19 years young life at my home as my twin-friend-soul-sister to my daughter.  Ever since she came in our lives in 2012, I stopped my regret of aishu not having a own sister and Munni just became such an integral part of our lives.  She stood with us like a soothing soul when my mom passed away in august and spent every day consoling Aishu who was raised by my mom.  The day I was starting to Canada, she really gave me headache by sleeping off in the flat and not opening the door for the roommates and make me go crazy on her.  Wish that craziness continued.  She used to love me, trouble me, pamper me, get pampered, get fed, get cajoled in my arms to sleep and literally bite my cheeks and sleep... First 15 days of my Corporate Service Corps journey in Canada went off very happily till the screaming call I received on the night of Oct 15th last year from aishu saying that Munni met with a tragic bike accident and died on spot.   I didnt know how to react, I became numb...I was on the other side of the planet...and next 24 hours was brutal...and subsequently the grief of her loss became more and more as I could not see her final journey and catch one last glimpse of her.  Today I strongly believe that I wouldn't have had the courage to bid her a final bye.  The guilt that she wouldn't have even done what she did to end up in this tragic death had I been in India ...similar to Chandrika's death where Naren had no control., we didn't have any control in the way we lost munni

Several questions remained unanswered!

1.  Why did she go on that fateful bike journey of 400 kms without telling her parents or us?
2.  Why did she trust the professor and traveled alone starting from home at 10,30 PM to reach Theni in the morning to see kurunji flowers bloom?
3.  Why did she neglect the fact that bike riding on highway in the night can be dangerous?
4.  What a stupid sense of gender-equity that professor defended himself saying he never thought the difference of a girl or a boy when she asked to venture out?
5.  Who gave Ben Philip right to take her on the ride without proper permission?
6.  Why did Ben Philip tell the NIFT management that accident happened at 5.30 am where as Post Mortem report mentioned the time of accident at 12.05 and death on spot?
7.  Did Ben Philip ensure that she had the right helmet,  jacket and other precautions to travel that far in the night?  When he was wearing all that, where did his common sense go to not ensure she is safe?
8.  How did he miss to see the sudden /or slow coming of the bullock cart and ramp his bike to the bullock cart and eventually resulting in the death of the animal on the highway?
9.  Why did our law system not punish him for his over speeding or rash driving and negligence resulting in loss of lives of both the teenage student and the animal on the road
10.  There is no justice to the suffering of pain our child went through as she got  hit to the ground and died on the road bleeding and in darkness and loneliness and later butchered in the hospital in the name of PM and investigation?
11.  No amount of police investigation or running behind advocates, could ensure that Ben Philip is punished for his negligence.  I could not pursue this case due the fact that aishu is studying in the same college. 
12.  Ben moved ahead with his life in no time, just like every other newspaper and political leaders after MH370 disappearance and so did his college, and her classmates.  What impacted was the family of manasa and us and the grief was so deep that we are still struggling to cope up
13.  A normal excursion and adventure turned into a nightmare and loss of a precious life which did not matter to any one in the system..except for the family and friends
14.  Why did Munni not even tell Aishu till the last half hour before leaving our house in OLA to that fateful bike ride?
15.  Is this Karma which united Munni with her biological mother as she longed to see her once, to be with her, despite all the efforts her dad and mother put in to raising?
16. Of all the time , why the hell I was away from India and did not see her finally to bid adieu...
17.  Road accidents happen every minute and every hour it claims 17 lives in India....and most of them are due to negligent driving.  But why Munni?   why us to this suffering?   Why do we deserve this? Is 19 a age to die this tragic death? 
18.  Is there a logical conclusion to this pain and when and how are we going to make peace with her death and move on?
19.  Will punishing Ben philip matter any more and bring her back to life?  Will it give us peace?  Will it resolve the loss?   I dont know
20.  This is the grief, we dont want to ignore but embrace, celebrate the love she shared, memories she created with 1000+ pictures she took with aishu...and despite she being our limited edition, her memory will not be of the past.  She will live with us till our last breath.... Oct 4th , her hindu thiti is going to drain us and coping up with her first anniversary on 15 oct is going to be painful...but I am sure she will not like us sulking or crying..instead she would want us to wear her pink, dance in her memory, feed the destitute children and sleep hugging the part of her remaining with us. 

This happyness conversation for sure made me end the day in tears and pain.  The takeaways of the evening are many and recalling the conversation will hopefully give us the strength to celebrate the 2 important women in our lives and move on with daily grind of routine.   Miss u mom and munni

Rest in peace Prabha and Chandrika.   Gone are the physical bodies but not your souls that are truly cherished in your spouses hearts and minds....Both Rajan and Naren are coping up this in their own way and spreading the message of love beyond death. 

Thanks to Vaani and AVIS for one another touching conversation .   God bless you both. 

How to end an extra marital affair? In Paru's way! (Short Story from Paru Tales)

It happened and it really stink.   Paru had been married for years and suddenly she found herself in a deep attraction to someone else.    A casual encounter at a social gathering, exchanging niceties on the social media, following each other’s life closely to an extent that a new friendship with a soul connection grew without even both realizing the deep bond.

One night a long conversation turned into a test-flirt the next day during a lunch break from office, that got rewarded, a touch of hand over passing a tissue and soon navigating into the depths of serious deceptions.   Paru never imagined things going this far neither planned anything nor stopped it before it reached a point where she started cheating on her spouse. 

Feelings taking hold of them due to host of reasons and few purely biological.   Catching like a common cold, slowly turning to a fatal disease.   The brain awash with an insane logic that seems to make sense, with a strong sense of awakens from an otherwise dull marriage and the feeling of inner spirits revived and ignoring the tsunamis of guilt and shame of the new-found happiness in life. 

The small attractions of wearing matching dresses, looking gorgeous on dinner dates, romantic feelings arising while watching movies and the stars romancing on screen, slowly trying to hold fingers tightly and brushing across each other’s shoulders in response to the onscreen romance and then trying to place small and tender warm kisses in the car park before leaving the multiplex.   Paru and Raj found a spark which was missing in their lives and her decade old marriage. 

Paru was getting drawn to the developing attraction of Raj and the romantic feelings for him other than his spouse happened normally, naturally.   Paru was aware that it is harmful and can be incredibly destructive to the fabric of her family and people who care about her.  Raj was showing her the love that she never felt before.   Paru started lying. Lying, hiding and manipulating almost every single day.   She started spending every possible moment with Raj and obsessing about the next time she can be with him. 

Almost after 3 years of managing to hide and seek with her amusements outside marriage, her husband one day saw a message from Raj that could possibly damage her marriage forever.  She knew she did not get into it on purpose, but she was forced to think of how to get out of it, on purpose to save her marriage and social status.

Struggling with the strong feelings for Raj, and not having the courage to end her marriage, she started working hard in paying attention to the needs to save her marriage.  She tried to ignite the spark in her marriage by dressing up for her husband and asking for candle lit dinners.   He found it all pretentious.    Her husband hugged her gently and calmed her down when she broke up without even knowing why.

She could not act on anything…   Paru tried her best to shut the so called ‘inappropriate relationship’ down and be truthful and intentional in saving her marriage again.  Her husband remained composed and gentle letting her come to her own terms in life.

Paru started feeling terrible.  Though her intentional efforts to save her marriage was going on, she was unable to stop feeling for Raj whose love gave her the spirit to live.  She started feeling suicidal and wanted to end her life.  She has two men who adore her.  Husband who is not only compassionate, caring and understanding but also tolerant to her inconsistent emotions and there is this OTHER man who is her perfect man showing her love, showering her surprises and keeping his expectations in tact not to overwhelm her.   But Paru started having trouble stopping and have no idea what to do!   It started becoming extremely painful.

One fine Monday morning, after sending her children to school and husband to office, Paru decided to meet Raj.   She called him to the Cafe Coffee Day.   After ordering her regular cappuccino for both of them, she took his hand in hers.  Squeezed it tightly with tears flowing uninterrupted.  He did not speak. 

‘Raj, you know how much I love you.  In fact, you don’t know that I love you more than myself.   I feel so happy and fulfilling when I am with you.  I feel like my life found a meaning ever since you came in my life’…. Paru paused.  ‘But I want to end this all’…She confessed squeezing his hand further.  

Raj looked deeply into her eyes.   She could not withstand his stare.  She closed her eyes tightly and holding her hands continued to speak.  ‘Raj, I know this is awful, going to be very difficult, both of us will be terribly hurt, but let’s believe that there will be life after that’.   His eyes were getting moist but did not speak.   ‘Raj, I need to open up to God and own everything I did.  I need his mercy’.

Raj interrupted her this time.  ‘Are you sure?’  he asked.  She nodded.  Raj continued. ‘Paru, I always loved you the same way I did the day we first met.   That is not going to change.  How you want me to be with you will be based on your decision.  As I still love you the same way, I will do anything that you want.  But you need to know that walking away from me, you should be walking towards a much stronger happiness, peace and something more important than this relationship.  You should not be afraid of losing me in case that cause is much stronger and stable, happier and will give you peace.  Do it.  Or else, decide to end your marriage and start afresh to be a ‘real self’.  It will shake up things but will clear lot of things in the process.  Better than being in this hide and seek relationship and still being in a marriage.  But the decision is yours!’…. He took his hands off hers.   

He stood up silently, patted on her back, tried to give her a small smile and tried to walk away when Paru caught his hand again.   When she went in front of him, first time in life, she saw a deep pain and tears in his eyes.   He tried to act bold.  Raj tried to joke and said that he will surely fall in love once again.    6 years after marriage, he lost his wife and son to a road accident and Paru happened in his life almost 5 years after that tragedy shook his life.   She knew it is not going to be easy for him.   Probably he will stop trusting any other woman and will be afraid to even fall in love again.

‘I don’t believe in friendship beyond love Paru.  So, don’t expect me to be responding to you and being a friend, being there when you need and will run to you when I need.  Be honest to your spouse, tell him what’s not working in your relationship and try to reduce the conflict, or the silence, if he was or if you are.   Take your real needs into the marriage and seek professional help if both of you need to hear honestly to each other and reconcile.  Good luck dear’.  -  Raj kept his parting words longer, sensible and with utmost honesty. 

Paru realized that she must learn to cope up with the loss of her relationship with Raj or else will be repeating itself and contributing to more bigger problems.   Already she has caused bigger wounds to the marriage that could have impacted more than she could imagine.  She decided to confine in her husband Siva and tell him truthfully how much hurt and loneliness she was feeling in life before she ended up in her relationship with Raj.   Siva basically being a composed person did listen to her attentively.  It is amazing how people can drop their walls when they feel heard. 

Paru hugged her husband whole heartedly that night, probably first time after many years.  She cuddled into his arms feeling the comfort which she missed all these years.  She decided to ask her self deeply and stop deceiving herself and others.   In mid of the deception, she did tell so many lies that she doesn’t even know how to get back to the truth.  The only truth is that she is now ready to change.  Accept things positively.  The beginning of honesty with others is to first being honest to oneself.

The next morning, she woke up to the bed-coffee that Siva made for her.  The mystery of God’s very real and inexhaustible love seems to be taking onto her.  She is not superstitious or a religious fanatic.   The words from the book ‘The inner voice of love’ written by Henri Nouwen seems to be hitting her head.   The last night’s revelations to Siva while lying in his arms was not easy but chased away her panic about the life ahead with him.   He did not preach her, correct her or console her.  All he did was to give a small kiss on her forehead reassuring that things will be fine…and this too shall pass. 

Three souls, different emotions, difficult phases of love, biological urges, societal pressures, above all, staying humble and repenting through the backlash helped.  Siva understood that his smallest of neglect of his wife due to professional pressure will make her get lonely and he must be more expressive in his love.  Defending his actions, blaming Paru will only fuel new anger and give for permanent break up between them. 

Paru realized that unless she decides firmly on what she wants, she will be struggling between search for happiness and the factors of guilt of cheating on her spouse.   Raj realized that searching for love, all over again is not an issue, but being in a relationship with a woman who is in marriage and still not sure of what she wants is not only a curse to him but to all around.   Had her husband being a cruel person, unbearable spouse and she wants a new life altogether, there is a point in his continuing his relationship with her till they get into a legal bonding.  But if he is not certain that it will happen, there is no point in hanging on to a relationship that is fragile – be it in love, legal tangles or emotional outbursts.

End of the story -   Doing what really makes you happy in life is the only way out of all the tangles surrounding it.  As yourself in silence – you will find the answers to all tangles around!