Friday, May 24, 2013

Can I wrap my life in an Envelope?

Last one year had been tremendously stressful with frequent runs to the medicos to fix one thing or the other. In my doc's words, my body seems to be not running faster as my mind does and heart wants....and hence the conflict.

After my happy return home to Chennai, at the end of 2011, I made a resolution (rather a stupid one) to keep doing as much as I can- work, family, hobbies, travel, social work, poetry, blogging, making new friends, finding old and missing one’s, not to miss any social events- be it a marriage, new born, engagement or even attending funerals. Of course, travelling and working like a log glued to the cushion forever, and becoming a Big Strong Couch Potato was as well in my unwritten agenda. I have brought back the family to run on the tracks of the Indian Roads - thanks to the visa screw up...none to be blamed than me! And ugh...the poor daughter-dad duo had no choice but to cling on to my boggy of doggy-woozy aspirations.

People, who knew me well, knew me this way all through my life...but at sometime, I peeped into the bathroom in silence and looked at the mirror in dismay. Oh No! It’s not me anymore. I am aging....Common, give me a break- Aging! Yeah may be in thoughts and mind! Its not me any more truly and that's the main reason for my health issues.

I always have this problem- with the train of thoughts and a rare phenomenon called 'what next?' phobia. I have not heeded to the warning signs of my husband to slow down and kept running madly every day- Work is inevitable....taking care of family is responsibility....running behind my child on her studies, manners and managing her Teen Tantrums is a Parental duty....with all this, I wanted to do something else every day.

Learning kept my mind active...Madly certifications became passion. Poetry is in blood and it spring's out at the most unexpected times....however,...I joined few groups in Chennai......Social Service to Orphanages and Old age homes.....I very much loved doing it....Conservation and Nature care....tree plantations, temple clean ups, trekking, running, cycling, helping Marathons, Trailtons, and every event in the city.... I was enjoying my life and was there!

As we were gearing up for the old friends meet as part of the 75 Years of our school this year, and getting in touch with old friends some after 2 decades of missing...there came a shocker. Losing a friend to a car accident was devastating. Attending her ceremony was an emotionally hard and physically draining. I collapsed. Docs gave list of names to the unknown friend who invaded my life since last one month....hands cried in pain of injections and body felt like running away to an unknown territory where there is no pain, sleeplessness and thoughts. When you get closer to death and regain your life...your perception of life changes. I started to think what would happen to my family in case I am gone... a very natural thought that too when you get really ill and critical.

After a weeks of completely glued to my bed, with my policeman and his assistant keeping a close watch on me 24*7, I got my space. The moment my husband went to work after 3 weeks of bearing with my groaning and gloating, I jumped out of my bed.

I pulled out my insurance file, started checking on my financials, nominations, planning to write a will, keep all contacts listed in my diary, and wanted to keep an Envelope with the title 'In case of my death!'.

'In case of my death'- wanted this envelope to contain, what my family should do in case of my eventuality....later only I realized, what damn it is going to be for me after I am gone and why the hell they should be guided by what I wanted them to do! - Selfish Indian Mentality!

I wanted to write about the details of how my funeral should be, who all should attend, my bank account details, my friends and relatives details, do's and don't list to my family, all other things I kept feeling important to me as I pass away - Again- what if I was gone suddenly in an accident. Should we not be organized and live life like every day is a last day in life in this present unpleasant world of uncertainties. Again a negative way of looking at life!

Then, came a pang of wisdom. what should my family do with the 30 odd diaries I scribbled for most of my years and poems, books, paintings, clothes...and I now felt that envelope would not be enough...Probably I need a folder!

Folder will have sections- on what my daughter should aspire to become as per her wishes, my dreams about her marriage... my plans for my husband , donation of my eyes and organs,...sharing of my assets with my preferred NGOs and how my family should react when I am gone...and all this.......Is it not Madness!

Though everyone should plan their rites of Kalpana Mohan writes in India currents.... there is no way one can plan life after its gone! Its outside your Internal Line of Control- Things would change, circumstances and reactions would as well change...people and their thoughts of life would what is that you are trying to manage after you are gone as well!

Instead, I can realign my world, happy that I got another chance to be alive and greet the world again with a smile. Take it slow but steadily do what gives me happiness... Concentrate on my priorities, manage my schedules better... keep important people in life in tact than knowing about 1000 friends on Facebook who are just acquaintances and not really friends.....keep life on a positive note and teach family to survive in your absence than to make them controlled after you are gone! - Crazy Woman- It’s me!

First take care of family, job, close friends and above all - Health. Do what all possible to keep you active both physically and mentally - take on walking , reading good books, listening to music, eating proper home made simple food on time, stopping junk eating and sodas... go for regular health check ups and follow prescriptions religiously , do meditation and stay grounded than flying with the plane of thoughts- a promotion from the train of thoughts I always had from my childhood....Probably this wisdom dawned on me lately- thankfully never too late!

Yes, I know now- Life is not just wrapping it up in an envelope- It is the way you take it- The way you live life to the fullest- not necessarily King -Size but surely peacefully, healthy and happy life is all in your hands

Thanks to this gyan of enlightenment that started with the thought of my Envelope!


Garfield Dsouza said...

That was well written. Your phobia is quite a practical one. I go through that too, at times. And then the Sun comes up the next day and I go back to work. :)

Sakshi Nanda said...

Lovely post. My first read this Sunday morning, and I'm thoroughly refreshed.